GRADUATION!!!

Yes! It is FINALLY done. No more academy!! Fantastic . . . let the celebration begin. Followed by the sleeping . . .

Jailhouse doctors, rubber cement and you . . .

The final countdown!!! Graduation is next week!! Yay! Then I am officially a real cop . . . who works in a jail. Yeah, I know. Don't rub it in.

So this guy comes in the jail and starts telling me how he diagnosed all his health problems on his own. He obviously did good research, as proven by the following statement: "I have grandma seizures." Right. I'll let her know.

I realize I look young for my age but it's been awhile since I've been carded for alcohol. Consequently I don't always carry my ID in the grocery store. Apparently, this is a mistake. At a national chain who might rhyme with "wall dart," I attempted to buy *gasp* rubber cement. I am in my mid-twenties, in uniform. The clerk's response? "Uh, you're right on the border of looking eighteen. I need to see some ID."
Are you freakin' serious? Really? For rubber cement? While I'm in uniform? Whatever . . .

Running down a dream . . .

I have now successfully passed all parts of my lovely physical agility test. Woo Hoo!!! Now less than a month away from graduation. Posts are scarce I realize, but the academy is priority at the moment.
Now aside from the final academic exam and swearing in ceremony, I only have a few more hurdles. One last firearms qualification on my service weapon, off duty gun and possible backup weapon. Rifles and shotguns come later . . . Some random administrative paperwork, and getting all the rest of my equipment issued. Then it's just time to sit and wait in the jail until the next round of promotional interviews from applications. Either that or go find another department. I think I'll stick with the SO for right now, even though it could be a year until the next application period.

Like sarge always tells me; "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Uh, sarge? Maybe we shouldn't have said that out loud . . ."

"What are the odds?"

Fun times . . .

I realize this month has been short on posts, but the academy is winding down. T minus five weeks or so!
We just watched a fantastic training film on traffic by the California Highway Patrol. It should have been titled "Erik Estrada: the Later Years." Awesome.
Working some special details this weekend and running a physical agility test. Also fun times.
Back to the excititng world of DUI law . . .

News from the front lines . . .

So after a vacation at the lake and week or so of pursuit driving, parking and general driving a Crown Vic around I am back. I am happy to report I did not total anything, have it catch on fire or hit anyone. Pretty exciting for me, and probably my instructor.
Quote from my passenger during pursuit turns: "Look out cones!!! Their plastic life just flashed before their eyes."
Almost done with this damn academy. Thank God. I just sat through our mandatory "first aid" section. I felt a little over qualified, and pretty bored.
One of the better moments of first aid was definitely the childbirth video. The guys that got up and left the room will never live that down. . .
Living the dream at the FD tonight, hopefully we're quiet. But you all know better.

If I thought you needed to know, I would tell you . . .

There are times in life when you just wish people would mind their own business . . .
Case in point: Last week one of our deputies passed away from an acute illness. I took a day off from the academy to attend the graveside ceremony with the honor guard, pipe and drum corps ect. My instructors at the academy did not feel the need to share the reason for my absence with people from other agencies. As soon as I returned to class I got this: "So nice of you to show up. I guess you think you can just take a day off whenever you want to." There were several variations of this throughout the day.
People here's the thing; it's awkward to have to explain to you why I was absent. Then you're just going to be embarrassed and I'm not really going to want to explain it for the thirtieth time. If you want to ask if everything is ok since I missed a day of class, that is acceptable. Smartass comments are not.

Like your mother told you. Mind your own beeswax.

The first rule of firearms . . .

"Listen recruits . . . the first rule of firearms is this: If you accidentally shoot the instructor, YOU FAIL. And for all of you who are laughing back there just remember one thing; we wouldn't have to say that if someone hadn't done it."

Oh God.

Cake please . . .

Sorry it's been awhile, writer's block is a bitch. So is work.

Here's some quotes to brighten your day.

"There's balloons . . . there must be cake. Cake brings everyone together, hell it's the only reason I got married. Let's follow the balloons."

"Jesus I would rather be locked up than sit through the rest of this class. I mean I realize I basically am locked up every night at work, but still. A $500, 000 bond would still be better than this."

The North American Emergency Response Guidebook . . .and you

Are you good with primary colors? Can you locate information in a table? Are you smarter than the book itself? Congratulations! You too can operate the Emergency Response Guidebook!!
Ugh. That was definitely eight hours of my life in the academy I want back. NIMS and HAZ-MAT was boring enough the first time around in the fire service. Only four more to go . . .

"Do you know what the best indicator at a Haz-Mat scene is?"
"No."
"A cop. Send him in with a flare. If he drops over or blows up it's not safe."

(Sorry MotorCop and all my brothers and sisters out there . . . but I couldn't resist.)

Traffic . . . again.

So as much as I love our little traffic enforcement officers, my other half included, it gets old in the academy. Don't get me wrong, but . . .

"You know what traffic reconstructionists are? The chess team of the police department. Nerds."

"Wait . . . what are we taking the square root of again? The drag factor is what? How do you know that? What the hell? If I wanted to do this shit I would have taught math."

You all should know I'm only making fun of you because I'm not good at it . . .

Special kid . . .

We've all worked with or sat through continuing education with this guy. He's annoying, a know it all, has no shame and everything he says needs fact checked. He is a special kid. We are blessed with two of these in my academy class. The guy that sits next to me is considering taking barbiturates to put up with them the next Saturday class. I had to confiscate all the sharp objects from our group yesterday before war broke out or people started stabbing themselves in the eye.
The coup de grace yesterday? Sgt. Traffic was talking about clocking bikes and rollerbladers with RADAR and LASER as a joke.
Special kid #1 goes, "Yeah, I've gotten up to 45mph."
Sarge goes, "On what? A luge?!?"
"No, on Rollerblades."
"Hmm. Unfortunately Darwin did not take appropriate action."

Sarge's parting quote of the day: "Listen. You want to be a good cop? Learn to anticipate other people's stupidity."

Greetings! . . . You are now screwed.

Part 2 of Sgt. Traffic's amazing class.

"You rednecks don't have K-9s out there. You probably have a rabid raccoon in your trunk."

"Look. When you get a letter from the courts or the government it should say this: Greetings! . . . You are now screwed."

"Here's a list of some of the more obscure laws for you, break these out when you're so pissed your eye is twitching."

"I had someone ask me to post-date a ticket until after their court appearance for DUI. Seriously."

"NO. They do NOT get a warning for that. If I have to complete THAT much paperwork, somebody is getting a ticket. Press hard, three copies."

"What the hell are you talking about? That's not even in my statute book! If you write somebody for that I will wear you out!!"

"THAT is grounds for a TASER. NOT handholding. I should use it on YOU."

Rules of traffic enforcement . . .

So the traffic Sgt. taught class today, and it was amazing. Hilarious. Here are some of the better moments . . .

"Do you know what you say when someone gives you a lame excuse?"
"No sir."
"Press hard, you're making three copies."

"Do NOT swing a flare around to direct traffic. You're an idiot, and you'll only succeed in lighting yourself on fire. And the grass. And probably your cruiser."

"What is the first rule of car vs. train? The train wins. The second rule? Get your damn cruiser off the tracks genius or you're the next target."

"Has everyone here seen the COPS episode with the cruiser stuck on the tracks? Good. If you do that, I will laugh at you. And then I will write you up and suspend you for 60 days or so. If you do that on national TV, you will no longer work here."

"RADAR IS BORING?!?! Listen here kid, you're going to be doing this for the next 25 years of your life . . . get over yourself."

"It takes a special kind of stupid to blatantly violate most traffic laws, you will be able to recognize it instantly."

"You know what happened to the last person who acted like an idiot during a traffic stop? Their FTO wasn't as nice of a cop as I am.They almost died."

Don't use my name . . .

Ugh. Today's moment in awkardness brought to you by job seekers. Let's do a quick PSA for all of you out there . . .
DON'T TELL MY EMPLOYER THAT
A. You know me
B. Are friends with me
C. I recommend you
D. I told you to call
IF NONE OF THESE ARE TRUE

You will know if I am friends with you. Otherwise, steer clear of using me for your own personal gain. Besides, it creates awkward times when I tell HR the truth . . .

Traffic is overrated . . .

A quote from a friend of mine in the academy, "Well that detour was awesome, it took so long I now need an oil change."

"The left lane is for passing, the right lane is for YOU."

"I think people should have to write an essay on what a four way stop is and how to proceed at one. I also think there should be a second essay on why you need to treat a traffic light as one during a power outage."

"People, please. It's called maintaining the flow of traffic. Slow people on the right, be expeditious in your turn and don't do stupid shit."

I don't get paid to do that . . .

This morning in intake/release we were cleaning up breakfast trays when this transpired. One of the newer guys looks at me and goes, "Where the is the trustee who collects these? I'm going to call the kitchen and tell them to send his ass down here."
I managed to keep my head from exploding. Somehow. I took a deep breath, and said . . . "Are you serious? Are your arms broken, or are you really that lazy?" He looked directly at me and said,"I don't get paid to do that shit."
Really?

Let me tell you what I DON'T get paid to do. I started my career as a volunteer firefighter, I didn't get paid to risk my life. I don't get paid to get thrown up on during squad runs. I don't get paid to have urine and feces thrown at me by inmates. I don't get paid to go through the police academy to take on more risks. I don't get paid to talk to suicidal college kids at four in the morning. I don't get paid to have nightmares about calls I've been on.

I get paid to uphold the laws of the United States Constitution and the laws of my state. I get paid to protect lives and property. I get paid to deliver high quality emergency medical care. I get paid to provide adequate care and safety for the prisoners entrusted to me.

God help me if I ever do ONLY what I am paid to do. You cannot pay someone to be compassionate, have empathy or understanding. No amount of money can buy loyalty, integrity or honesty.

Never forget how many have died for simply going to work and doing their job; whether or not they got paid to do all of it.

BROTHERHOOD.

A girl's gotta eat . . .

So I'm walking into fire headquarters to see a buddy of mine on his unit day; and I'm carrying in my dinner after the academy. I have a grilled chicken sandwich, fries AND a burrito from Chipotle. Along with a Diet Coke. Insert smartass comments about: "Diet? With all that?" "Hungry?" and "Why don't you dump mayo and sour cream on that too?"
Here's the thing boys, when my ass is the size of the ladder truck you can talk. When you can run your mile time trial with me in less than seven minutes, come see me. Ok?

Oh my God . . . Stop already.

I am holding up my invisible plastic cards in the academy right now. We've passed all the colors, I'm now throwing out the black card. At what point is it ok to argue with the instructor over EVERY test question? Yes, there may be an answer that is up for debate. There are not one hundred up for debate. STFU and deal with it.
Being a whiny ass and challenging every question because you don't agree with it is NOT going to make you a better cop. If you have an intelligent question, fine. Otherwise, once again, STFU.

Sorry, I apologize. The Diet Coke and lack of sleep are getting me.

Oh, and it's MDT not MTD. Acronyms people, acronyms. They STAND for something.

Perhaps this would be a good time to fake my own death . . .

Sigh. I think I should get colored plastic cards on a key ring to hold up at various times. Here, let me explain. The red card would be the "bullshit" card. As in, "You are NOT having a seizure, you're faking it. I call bullshit." The green card would be, "You can take it from here." You know, when your partner is on a roll with a patient or prisoner and you're loving it. The yellow card would be the "DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!" This is for people not smart enough to realize the patient/prisoner/supervisor is going to KILL them if they don't STFU. The final card, the black "card of death" would represent the point of no return. This card would mean that the atmosphere is now so completely polluted with stupidity there are only two choices. One, slap the person unconscious. Two, fake your own death.

Useful in many situations in all professions . . .

You've got so much love in you . . .

Sometimes the only thing that makes work bearable is your friends. A riot could happen, the city could burn down, we could have ten CPR runs; with the right people it would be ok. PT is even bearable with your brothers.
You've got to have the right people, the right amount of humor, sarcasm and support. It's tough to find the right mix and the right people. When you do, keep them. Our shift at the firehouse has been together for five years, with the exception of one person. I can't even begin to tell you what a rarity THAT is especially at our department. Everyone knows just exactly what everyone else will do during a call. If you want to shift trade you have to get it approved by the shift Lt. first. He only lets certain people substitute. We get a little cranky with change, and Lt. has a short fuse.
When they changed our schedules at the jail they split three shifts into four platoons. Our entire shift with the exception of a few people bid the same platoon. I guess we don't like change there either. Unfortunately our Sgt. did not come with us, and the three that we are stuck with are not used to the "family." Even though the whole shift is together, without good leadership our morale is in the toilet.
The academy follows the same lines, if you get stuck in a group project choose your partners wisely.
I love my brothers.