Quotations and observations . . .

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." - Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

I have an engraved bracelet that says "Fall down seven times, stand up eight." It was a saying told to me when I graduated the police academy.

On that note, this post will be kind of flighty and short. Given how work has been going, this is about as good as it is going to get today. Today I saw a good friend of mine in a shoot/don't shoot situation in real life. He is not sure he is comfortable with the decision he made, I have every confidence in the world in him. You don't make your decision because you hate what is in front of you . . . you make it because you love the men and women behind you.

If you're in California and see a San Bernardino deputy . . . tell them thanks for what they do. It's a long story, but they're worth it.

"There's no such thing as coincidence" - Lt. Joe Leaphorn, from the Tony Hillerman books.

That sounds familiar . . .

After joining the website "Cops Who Blog," I found this as posted by ENFORCER.

Civilian Friends: Know a few things about you
Police Friends: Could write a book with direct quotes from you

Two of the guys I work with read that and went, "Wait, that's like your "Quotes" section of your blog."

"Yeah, kind of. In fact I could probably quote some things you'd rather not recall."

"Huh. Yeah, hold off on that book . . ."

True friends . . .

How to know someone in public safety is really friends with you:
"I would give you CPR without a mask."

The first rule of firearms . . .

"Listen recruits . . . the first rule of firearms is this: If you accidentally shoot the instructor, YOU FAIL. And for all of you who are laughing back there just remember one thing; we wouldn't have to say that if someone hadn't done it."

Oh God.

Cake please . . .

Sorry it's been awhile, writer's block is a bitch. So is work.

Here's some quotes to brighten your day.

"There's balloons . . . there must be cake. Cake brings everyone together, hell it's the only reason I got married. Let's follow the balloons."

"Jesus I would rather be locked up than sit through the rest of this class. I mean I realize I basically am locked up every night at work, but still. A $500, 000 bond would still be better than this."

Math . . .

The quote of the week when it comes to math problems.

"How did you get that answer?"
"Push equal."

Nice.

Traffic . . . again.

So as much as I love our little traffic enforcement officers, my other half included, it gets old in the academy. Don't get me wrong, but . . .

"You know what traffic reconstructionists are? The chess team of the police department. Nerds."

"Wait . . . what are we taking the square root of again? The drag factor is what? How do you know that? What the hell? If I wanted to do this shit I would have taught math."

You all should know I'm only making fun of you because I'm not good at it . . .

Things I have learned this week . . .

How to direct traffic. For four hours.

I look dead when I fall asleep sitting up. Or at least that's what I'm told.

No matter how hard I try, I look like a prisoner in all my departmental photos.

Men's uniform pants fit me better.

The probationary firefighter assigned to my Lt. and I is kind of different. I don't think there's a whole lot we can do to change that unfortunately.

If caffeine and chocolate does not fix it, sleep will.

The best thing ever is going to breakfast after work with your buddies to decompress.

You never know what kind of a difference you can make . . .

Greetings! . . . You are now screwed.

Part 2 of Sgt. Traffic's amazing class.

"You rednecks don't have K-9s out there. You probably have a rabid raccoon in your trunk."

"Look. When you get a letter from the courts or the government it should say this: Greetings! . . . You are now screwed."

"Here's a list of some of the more obscure laws for you, break these out when you're so pissed your eye is twitching."

"I had someone ask me to post-date a ticket until after their court appearance for DUI. Seriously."

"NO. They do NOT get a warning for that. If I have to complete THAT much paperwork, somebody is getting a ticket. Press hard, three copies."

"What the hell are you talking about? That's not even in my statute book! If you write somebody for that I will wear you out!!"

"THAT is grounds for a TASER. NOT handholding. I should use it on YOU."

Rules of traffic enforcement . . .

So the traffic Sgt. taught class today, and it was amazing. Hilarious. Here are some of the better moments . . .

"Do you know what you say when someone gives you a lame excuse?"
"No sir."
"Press hard, you're making three copies."

"Do NOT swing a flare around to direct traffic. You're an idiot, and you'll only succeed in lighting yourself on fire. And the grass. And probably your cruiser."

"What is the first rule of car vs. train? The train wins. The second rule? Get your damn cruiser off the tracks genius or you're the next target."

"Has everyone here seen the COPS episode with the cruiser stuck on the tracks? Good. If you do that, I will laugh at you. And then I will write you up and suspend you for 60 days or so. If you do that on national TV, you will no longer work here."

"RADAR IS BORING?!?! Listen here kid, you're going to be doing this for the next 25 years of your life . . . get over yourself."

"It takes a special kind of stupid to blatantly violate most traffic laws, you will be able to recognize it instantly."

"You know what happened to the last person who acted like an idiot during a traffic stop? Their FTO wasn't as nice of a cop as I am.They almost died."

Traffic is overrated . . .

A quote from a friend of mine in the academy, "Well that detour was awesome, it took so long I now need an oil change."

"The left lane is for passing, the right lane is for YOU."

"I think people should have to write an essay on what a four way stop is and how to proceed at one. I also think there should be a second essay on why you need to treat a traffic light as one during a power outage."

"People, please. It's called maintaining the flow of traffic. Slow people on the right, be expeditious in your turn and don't do stupid shit."

Hillarious . . .

A friend just sent me an email with this . . .
"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want to see you every day."

We once decided in the jail that we had died and that we were stuck in purgatory. But I feel that that quote is classic.

Randomness

Just go with it ok?

In reference to pursuit policies: "Chase him to the river!! Hell, go get a boat ready and chase him UP the river!!"

In reference to me locating heroin on a prisoner: "That's not mine!! He searched me before we came in!! You put it there! If it was mine I would have thrown it under the cruiser seat and you would have never found it!!" "Yeah well, it's still a felony. Shut up."

What my partner wanted to put in a patient narrative for an incredibly intoxicated and horribly obnoxious female: "CRAZY B****. NO CHANGE DURING TX."

My Sgt. in reference to a prisoner: "Go hand deliever her to her family. Now. Before we get sued or something else stupid happens."

In reference to interrogation techniques: "So how's the weather?" "Yeah, I killed that guy."

Quote of the year . . .

From my brothers that work in the neighboring county during the drug law section of the academy . . . (and don't ask why we were talking about deep frying turkeys in February)

"I would rather deal with a small, rolling meth lab than attempt to deep fry a turkey"

Awesome.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Some sayings from work that amuse me . . .

Quit driving like you have warrants!!

Stop sucking on it!

Do have anything that will poke me or stick me? Any drugs, guns, knives, hiding Osama Bin Laden?

Why us? Why now?

OUTSTANDING!!!

Just because it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, doesn't mean it's a duck. It might be a felony.

"Sir could you step out of the car and show me some ID?" Who me? "NO the freaking oak tree."

Why do they always have to be on the third floor?

WHAT IS THAT?!?!?!?

Big white box. Big white box with lights. Jesus Christ will you get the hell out of the way!!

Control your explorer, er your probie, what ever he is. Now. Before I find Ritalin in aerosol form and apply it to him.

"Do you want to tell me how you got a Social Security Number if you were born in Guam?" Uh, Guam is a US territory genius.

Perhaps this would be a good time to fake my own death . . .

It's times like this, even in our profession where you have to ask yourself, "What are the odds?"