God love ya . . .

A collection of "shorts" from work:

-Do not bring your own needles full of heroin to the OB floor and shoot up while with your newborn. We will arrest you. Also, do not attempt to have drugs passed off at the hospital while you are there in custody being treated. Does not work well, your friends are in jail now too.

-Coming to jail in a shirt from a courthouse restaurant who's slogan is, "Where justice is served," will result in it being featured in your online mugshot. Same for the ubiquitous, "It's all fun and games until the cops show up" shirt.

-Never, ever assume that attempting to beat a cop or CO's ass will not result in you being gang tackled by more officers than you have ever seen. We're like ninjas, we come out of the walls.

-Making threats to the officer who charged you with assault on them will only result in another charge and more prison time. Shut your mouth.

-For at least the 500th time, do not come to the sheriff's office for something where you have to give ID and then cry when we arrest you on your warrants. It's kind of what we do.

-Do not break down and call for a deputy to assist you when you are drunk, unless you want arrested. Additional info: If you have drugs on you, do not walk up and talk to the K9 officer; his partner does not have a sense of humor, just a keen sense of smell.

-Committing any type of crime while on sheriff's office property where there are cameras recording will result in your immediate arrest, embarrassment in court.

The 12 Days Christmas . . .

Grab your moose mugs full of eggnog and sing along . . .

On the 12th day of Christmas my Sgt. gave to me,
14 reports and the paperwork to a felony

11 pairs of shackles

10 use of force sheets

9 prisoner pickups

8 warning tickets

7 in house trainings

6 sets of flex cuffs

5 time of request forms

4 warrant checks

3 pending calls

2 surety bonds

And a subpoena to the grand jury . . .

"Hallelujah! Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?"

Better angels . . .

I hold no office in my union. You will not find me in contract negotiations. You will find me fighting for you in public meetings, attending budget sessions for my county and educating people. Yesterday I was accused of being "aggressive" and "outspoken" by several people I work with. I know what I want for myself and my department. Several county officials congratulated me on my piece at a town hall budget meeting the other night. One was a Democrat, one from the Tea Party and one from the GOP. Politics and diplomacy at their finest.
Here's the thing. In the jail someone who mf's you through the door all night is called a "cell warrior;" as soon as you open that door and come face to face they've got nothing to say. I'm no cell warrior. I won't post thinly veiled comments of hatred toward my sheriff and administration on Facebook. I won't join in the mud-slinging sessions in roll call where we decide we hate every elected official. Ask me who I am and what I stand for. I will tell you. I will quote financial data, employment figures and cold hard facts.
Most of of all though, I will fight for you. Your job, my job, any cop in my department's job. I am a fighter, a warrior and a protector. My voice will be heard.

"I'm a (wo)man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right; but I bring my better angels to everything. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can." -Toby Keith

Guardian angels . . .

It's been a hard couple of weeks. The wolf is at the door again for layoffs. Now they want to eliminate two entire patrol shifts. God help us.
A few nights ago I was going to pick up one of our inmates from another county. I am a deputy sheriff with full arrest powers, I just happened to be assigned to the jail and not patrol. A man turns the wrong way down a one way street in front of me. I stop him in the cruiser. He gets out on me in the middle of a completely shitty section of town. Flight or fight. Looks like flight. Behind me I hear the unmistakable sound of a police K9 and his handler. The driver freezes and suddenly becomes cooperative.
I've never met this officer, he comes from one of the biggest city departments in our state. He works in the county adjacent to mine. We left that stop and I asked how he heard me call the stop out on my channel. He didn't. He told me he was just watching over me.
Thank God for guardian angels.

Callin' Baton Rouge . . .

We have an inmate in our jail on a holder from the Baton Rouge Police Department. Nationwide pickup radius, they will come almost 1,000 miles across more than five states to get their prisoner.
Family calls about the prisoner. "What are they charged with?"
"I don't know, I didn't confirm the warrant. All I can see is the holder."
"Well. When do we know when they'll let them go? They're not coming up here for that."
"Uh. Yes. Yes they are. That's why they sent a holder that says 'We will extradite."
"They don't even know what they're charged with! That's not legal!"
"Tell them to think back to the last time they were in Louisiana and see if any felonies jump out."
"How do you know it's a felony?"
"Police departments don't come 1,000 miles for misdemeanors."
"Well you need to call them and see when they'll lift the holder."
"They're not lifting the holder. An extradition hearing is scheduled for the beginning of the week."
"Do you have the number to Baton Rouge?"
"No."
"Why not?"

That's like asking me why I don't have the number to the police department in Juneau, Alaska. I'm sorry, we don't just call them up to chat on a weekly basis.

Political games . . .

So a friend of mine called today all upset over the elections. Like crying upset. Now to be clear, I'm an informed voter and I enjoy politics in moderation. I could care less about political smear campaigns and constant bickering. She rages on and on about how she's experiencing the stages of grief. No joke. She doesn't work for a candidate or a campaign, she just follows politics.
I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but really?
The candidate you wanted to win lost. I've lost my best friend. You're crying about the governor. I'm trying to put my dress uniform together for an awards ceremony without crying. You can't believe they were predicting the wrong winner in an election. My Sgt. can't believe he had to go tell a child's parents that the media was wrong, their child is dead. You're trying to reconcile the next 2 to 4 years of politics. I'm trying to reconcile leaving my department of 4 years and starting over.
I guess we all take a different view on life.
As I polish my nameplate and collar brass I'm reminded of the one person who would have enjoyed seeing me get my commendation for exemplary service more than me. My award will be just like his. I just wish he was here to see it.

But then, I've been there before . . .

Repeat offender syndrome: (noun) - 1) Displayed by any inmate who informs you "this isn't my first rodeo" or "I've already been to prison so this is nothing." 2) Any pattern of events at the intake desk that lead you to believe the same thing is happening over and over. (i.e everyone has been arrested for domestic violence, is drunk or both) 3) Any time you release someone from jail and they get arrested again during your shift. 4) When any inmate states they got arrested just so they could come to jail for food/shelter 5) When any inmate explains any part of the process to you better than most officers

See also: Rehabilitation (obsolete)

Take it to God . . . or your Lt., whoever you find first

Recently things have been hectic at work, as I'm sure you've gathered from the posts about my coworkers' mental health. Our chief deputy recently came forward and told the sheriff that "our jail is sick." He laid out everything to the sheriff, and it was ugly.
Our lieutenants have been pulling various employees in to talk with them about problems at work. Luckily I got selected by one of the trustworthy ones, you know the supervisors that you can have a meltdown on and they never tell anyone.
When I was done voicing my observations and concerns my Lt looked sick. I don't know if he was ready to take confession when he started the meeting. Some of the things I told him visibly disturbed him. He asked how supervisors could willingly and purposefully belittle a suicidal officer. He asked why no one came and debriefed the officers that had sat with him until help arrived so he couldn't harm himself. He asked how a sergeant could lie and falsify documents to protect one officer and implicate an other.
I had no answers. I still don't.
I feel better, because I gave my problems up to someone with power. I'm pretty sure that's not what my grandmother meant when she told me to give my problems up to higher power. She was talking about God. Unlike my inmates, I have never found God in my jail. I did however find someone willing to listen.
I don't think the administration's willingness to take action now will affect my decision to leave for another agency as soon as the opportunity arises. Just like the Wizard of Oz, you can never go back once you see what evil stands behind the curtain.

Crisis epidemic . . .

When one of my colleagues committed suicide over the holidays I posted this. Now belatedly the people I work with have realized the big picture. Since my date of hire 4 years ago, our department has had 2 suicide attempts while on duty and 10 people go out on "stress evaluation leave." Only 3 of those 10 have returned to duty. 2 officers have walked in to the brass, put their service weapon on the desk and stated: "I'm going to quit or I'm going to kill myself." All but 3 of these incidents have happened within the last year.

My administration is clueless. "What problem?" Like your employees running like lemmings to a cliff isn't a big enough clue something is wrong. More and more officers are expressing signs of stress; yet we are told to do more with less.

This week a man who trained me, joked with me and cried with me simply walked off the job. He walked into the Captain's office laid his equipment and his paperwork on the desk and left. Again I'm left with the feeling of "What did I miss?" Surely to God we should have noticed something in a man we worked with every night, drank with and talked to every day. I hope he's happy in a world far from law enforcement and corrections. I hope we can stop the trend, our lives depend on it. Only thing is, how do you fight a monster you can't see?

Honestly, I thought we covered this. . .

For the record:

1. Do not drive to the sheriff's office to produce paperwork to a deputy when you are drunk, suspended or both.

2. Do not walk in a 24 hour diner where there are 3 uniformed officers and two plainclothes eating dinner at 4 am; while smoking a joint with active warrants for your arrest. Especially if you are going to come up and talk to us.

3. Do not drop off inmate medication to the jail pharmacy that has 5 kinds of pills in one bottle. When one is a schedule 2 drug, that's an even bigger problem.

4. Do not come bail out the person you have a protection order against and then yell at the deputy because they tell you to leave the property before that inmate comes outside.

5. Do not turn yourself in at the jail with illegal drugs on your person.

That's all for today's PSA. Remember, we're here to serve your ass; not kiss it.

So. . .your're a cop?

This has gotten said to me like 20 times while I've been in uniform this week. Is it bad these are some of the responses I've concocted in my head?

-Nope. Stripper.
-Halloween is a religion for me. I celebrate it year round.
-Stole the uniform. Don't tell the cops.
-I'm an explorer. We're short staffed from lay offs so they let me carry a gun after school.
-They said military uniform inspired clothing was the new thing this fall, my own twist.
-I dress like this because I like looking like I weigh 20 pounds more and like a man.

Or just, "No." I wonder what they'd say to that?

I just stopped to say I love you . . .

Hey buddy,
I just stopped to say hello. Work is really bad sometimes; I wish you were here to point out the good parts. I got involved in a disciplinary hearing and I didn't even know I was part of the original event. You would be happy know that I was cleared and my file is still clean. I see that the guys have been tucking notes about work under your memorial stone. It's time to move on from the Sheriff's Office, somehow I know you would approve. I went to visit my parents and thought of you, I want you to be proud. It will all be ok, it's just hard here without you. You would approve of my current half-unit, I know you never liked the last guy I dated anyways. I miss asking you my "rookie" questions more than you can imagine. Watch over me. . . I love you.

Ya think?

From the cartoon "Police Limit" by Garey McKee. Hallelujah, he speaks the truth.

Moving on . . .

Yesterday I reached one of the hardest decisions of my life, to go ahead and move on from my beloved SO. Work has been so bad lately that people are quitting with no other job to go to. The current status can only be explained as "dark." There will probably be yet another round of layoffs to bring the total to an even 100.
This is not the department that hired me. This is not why I became a cop. They announced there will be no promotional exam for patrol in 2011, there has not been one since 2008. This is now my fourth year in the jail. I remember when work was fun and people cared about each other there.
As one friend leaves for state law enforcement, I lay flowers on an other's grave. It's time to move on. I started updating my resume yesterday, my first choice is city law enforcement followed by the state investigative division.
I never wanted to leave this place but it's time to move on to bigger and better things.

Lost in translation . . . cop to English

"Hey CO, all I did was a quick search for weapons."
translation - "If you find dope or anything else, please handle the charges and report so I don't have to."

"All he has wrong with him is a small abrasion to his knee."
translation - "I think it might need stitches, please don't make me take this guy to the hospital."

"Unable to locate."
translation - "I can't believe you sent me here to check on this. The "suspicious" person was last seen an hour ago. Like they're still going to be here. Right."

"It's a civil matter."
translation - "Why the hell did you call the cops for this?"

"Do you have any pending calls?"
translation - "Please say no so I can eat for the first time in eight hours."

Crap cops . . .

"You're a crap cop . . . you didn't used to be." -Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Every department has one, or sixty depending on your size. The cop who no one wants to work with. They go by many names: shit bag, d*****bag, asshole, slacker, dead-weight, no-show, retired on duty and many others. They are young, they are old, male, female, fifth year or twenty fifth.
Every cop fears them for the simple fact cops are convinced this person will ultimately be responsible for their death. They half-ass paperwork, dodge calls, bitch endlessly, punt things to unsuspecting officers and are generally worthless.
Every supervisor tries to shove them off on some other shift or some random administrative assignment. Every cop on their shift hates them. It never seems like the administration catches on or even cares. They are the bad apple in a batch of 1,000 that ruins cops in the eyes of the public.
The concept of the badge being a symbol of the public trust is a complete loss on them. They miss weapons on pat-downs. They leave drugs "for the jail to find" and thereby write the report for. They don't go the extra mile for the victim, the public or their brothers and sisters.
Don't get me wrong, everyone has their days. I've left work and wondered how I made it out alive. But that's one day. Unfortunately in law enforcement that's all it takes for you not to go home. Or someone else not to go home.
I beg you don't be a crap cop. If you think I'm becoming one, stop me. If you know one, tell them to shape up.

"You're a cop because you don't know how not to be one. If you feel that way, you're a cop. If you don't, you're not - you decide." - Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Field Guide to Prisoners . . .

Drunkus Maximus: Nocturnal. Two varieties of species: one is funny, the other one only thinks they are.

Drunkus Obnoxious: Male- You may have to go hands on if aggressive. Will probably ask for your badge number. Female- Characteristics are screaming/crying/informing you she was a former beauty queen/is married to someone who makes six times what you do. Very vocal.

Flirtatious: Male sightings are rare but not unheard of. Females are more social. Found often on traffic stops. May have bright plumage and very colorful facial markings.

Polywarrantus- May attempt to fight or flee if cornered. Has multiple outstanding warrants. Can be highly aggressive and dangerous.

Entitlement Complexus- Will attempt prove superiority/dominance, young male of the species is the worst. Can also share some traits with Drunkus Obnoxious, generally comes from a wealthier background than average. Impervious to reason and consequences.

Emotional Complexus- Defense mechanisms include tears and hysteria. Reasoning may or may not work. If all else fails, safety in numbers.

Unstableness Obvious: Use caution, unpredictable and potentially violent. Is not playing the same game with the same rules you are.

Clearly your brain has gone on vacation . . .

This week in a nutshell:

Woman calls me at midnight about her husband's case in federal court. Proceeds to ask me for federal court house's number. Calls back complaining because they are not open. At midnight. On a Saturday. Right.

Man shows up to post bond on wife charged with DUI. Shows up drunk. Gets pulled over on the street in front of the SO. Man arrested on DUI and warrant. Wife sees husband walk into intake and is very confused.

Man does not understand that coming to visit someone in jail who has a protection order on him will result in his immediate arrest. Requires almost an hour of explaining that while this is a jail, there is no "home base" where the protection order does not apply. Including the jail.

Memorials . . .

I have a question for all of you out there who may be reading this. Does anyone know of a company/person that makes police memorial jewelry? I would like something that can be concealed in my uniform (i.e. a necklace) or something that fits in our uniform regulations (a plain metal memorial bracelet). I have seen several places that manufacture stainless steel and aluminum bracelets, but all suggestions are welcome. Honestly my first choice would be a necklace, preferably my department's five point star, or custom dog tags. Any and all options are encouraged. Please leave suggestions in the comments section. Thank you.

End of watch . . .

It is with a broken heart that I post this. Last night my best friend/mentor/favorite deputy passed away suddenly before start of shift. I am at a loss. He was 42 years old.

I will say this. For six years, from the time I became a firefighter and eventually a deputy, he watched over me. He answered my questions and loved me unconditionally. The last words I ever spoke to him were "I love you."

God give me strength for I know I cannot do this alone. Never in a million years did I ever think a man I loved with all my heart would leave so soon. A man who will never see me get married, be promoted to patrol, turn 25 or any of the hundreds of other things we often spoke of.

I love you. Watch over your brothers and I; you would have been the person I would have turned to to get through something like this.

Please, if you are out there and feel the need say a prayer for my deputy. I know you didn't know him, but he would have loved all of you.

Rest in peace my brother, we have the watch.

BROTHERHOOD