Saturday, March 21, 2009

The blue light . . .

First, go read MotorCop's blog about the Oakland officers.

Now, after reading that earlier it reminded me about something I read before I was in law enforcement.$27409
I have that blue light, it is a little light sensitive LED one I got cheap at Wal-Mart. Every time I shut my lights off to go to work at night it comes on. For me it serves a dual purpose. One, it reminds me of the friends I've buried, and the ultimate sacrifice of so many of our brothers and sisters. Two, it reminds me that I never walk alone. Even in the darkness that blue light burns bright. In the blackest times I can reach out to my brothers and sisters.

Always tell your friends and family you love them. I hug people, and I end many a phone conversation with "I love you buddy."

Heroes Live Forever.

Get out of my scene . . .

We've all had those people who show up on our scenes and annoy the hell out of us . . .

"But I'm a lifeguard!"
Does this look like a freaking pool?! NO!! It looks like head trauma secondary to a fall. You're drunk, in my way and probably haven't been a lifeguard since junior high school. LEAVE.

"But I'm an EMT! You can't get sued if I help you!"
WHAT?!? Do you know how many times WE get sued?! Shut up. This is a college town, you're probably an EMT halfway across the country. You have no idea what our protocols are, and you're in my way. And your drunk. LEAVE.

"I'm CPR certified!"
Good. So am I. By a higher entity than the American Red Cross six years ago in your health class. Go sit with the lifeguard. This guy has a cut finger, he's not in cardiac arrest. You're probably drunk too. LEAVE.

The worst thing I ever had happen on a call as far as bystanders was a very intoxicated MD who claimed he worked in the ER. His wife passed out while walking and struck her head on a set of concrete steps. He wouldn't let go of her or allow us to backboard her or place a c-collar on. He kept telling us he was a doctor and his wife was fine. He had to be arrested by the cops. We later found out she had a skull fracture, brain bleed and she had fallen secondary to a stroke. She was transferred to a major trauma center. I don't care who you are, if you're drunk get out of my scene.

Personal brands of craziness. . .

So here's the next fun call of the night, out of ten or twelve. Dispatched for a female patient, possible asthma attack. As soon as we pull up the address on the MDT the Lt. goes, "You have got to be shitting me." Said address is what we call a frequent flier, one of those obnoxious people who call 911 for EVERYTHING. Oh, and did I mention NOTHING is ever a true emergency. So the probie and the guy who lost rock, paper, scissors get the squad. The rest of us stand at the truck and laugh our asses off. She is NOT having an asthma attack when we get there, she is yelling at a cop. She's telling him how someone has copyright infringed on her thoughts. Now people, I'm not talking about her ideas for something. She means her actual THOUGHTS in her head. No joke, I can't make this up. So after dealing with her personal brand of craziness the probie, who looks like a scared kid, herds her into the squad. As soon as she tries to climb in, instant "wheezes."
For those of you not in the medical field, wheezes are LOWER lung sounds. If you try to fake them you get UPPER sounds, like stridor or something equally obnoxious. By now probie is looking at Lt. and I and silently screaming "SAVE ME" with his eyes. We pull him aside, "Look we've all dealt with her, now it's your turn." She is still attempting to fake wheezes, poorly. Probie starts questioning her on past history, meds ect. Fake difficulty breathing ceases. Nice. Apparently the hospital report went something like this: "Enroute with a female who states she is having difficulty breathing. Vitals are stable, no obvious signs of respiratory distress. Pt. is able to hold a conversation without difficulty." The ER discharged her before we had the electronic report finished on the MDT.

"We don't save lives, we just postpone the inevitable."

I fought the door and the door won . . .

So we get called to a male pt. who has headbutted a glass door as a dare, and lost. And I don't mean lost the dare, I mean the door won. We get there and he is holding a towel to his forehead. His buddies are flipping out. "Oh my God, it's GUSHING!!!" "It's like a fountain or something!"
So I pull off the towel, fully expecting to see the laceration of the year. Instead, by some random act of God, he's fine. No joke. The cut is like a quarter of an inch long. Maybe. How in the hell he managed that is beyond me. It has completely stopped bleeding. In fact the truck officer went, "So where is it?" The kid insisted on going to the hospital, where we had a repeat. "So where exactly is the cut?"
College Kids 1, Darwin 0

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hillarious . . .

A friend just sent me an email with this . . .
"I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don't want to see you every day."

We once decided in the jail that we had died and that we were stuck in purgatory. But I feel that that quote is classic.

Oh Florida . . .

Read that and tell me your brain doesn't hurt. I wish OUR problem was response times that were too fast . . .

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A girl's gotta eat . . .

So I'm walking into fire headquarters to see a buddy of mine on his unit day; and I'm carrying in my dinner after the academy. I have a grilled chicken sandwich, fries AND a burrito from Chipotle. Along with a Diet Coke. Insert smartass comments about: "Diet? With all that?" "Hungry?" and "Why don't you dump mayo and sour cream on that too?"
Here's the thing boys, when my ass is the size of the ladder truck you can talk. When you can run your mile time trial with me in less than seven minutes, come see me. Ok?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Flying cocaine . . .

Here's one for you. A friend of mine responds to a reported accident with injuries. Upon arrival he finds a female intoxicated but not injured outside the vehicle. After the field sobriety tests, he places her into custody. She throws something, which bounces off of his cruiser and smacks another officer in the chest. That something is . . . you guessed it, COCAINE!!
Her answer? You guessed it, "That's not mine."
Are you serious? What the cocaine fairy is just flying around?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Flag on the play . . .

Addition to the idea of holding up plastic cards . . . penalty flags. Admit it, you've wanted to throw one. Probably at someone. Just think of how much fun that would be . . .

"Flag on the play. Arresting officer to be penalized thirty minutes from time of arrival at the jail for being an ass to the jail staff."

"Flag on the patient. Patient to be penalized by transport to the twenty four hour urgent care (read: slowest and smallest hospital in our jurisdiction)"

My dog will bite you!

Ok. Well, maybe not so much with that. One of our illustrious K-9 officers sent his dog after a male subject with felony warrants, who ran from an injury accident after driving drunk. Excuse me, he was "allegedly" drunk. (Happy now Sarge?) When said K-9 found said alleged law breaker, he grabbed him by the neck. As my favorite patrol deputy said, "It wasn't so much a bite, more he gummed him half to death." Perhaps it's time for Kujo and his partner to retire; this isn't the first time the dog has not produced the desired result.
Said alleged law breaker was brought to our facility for "safekeeping." Upon arrival I had the following wonderful conversation with the deputy.
"So did the dog bite him?"
"He's fine." (Said through clenched teeth)
"Uh, ok. That doesn't answer my question."
"Look, he was checked by the medics and he refused. You can check him again if you want."
"Ok. So . . . did the dog bite him?"
"NO. It's more of a series of scrapes. OK?!"

Ok. Don't get me wrong, I love K-9s. Eventually I would like to be a handler with a dog. But your dog is only as good as you train him to be. Lazy handler = lazy dog.

A bit of explanation on the title of this post. It comes from some random episode of COPS. My dad and I live in different parts of the state, but we both watch COPS. He called me one night after this episode and said the best part was the guy yelling "My dog will bite you!!" Ever since then that phrase has shown up in voicemails, emails and random places. So that title's for you dad.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Oh my God . . . Stop already.

I am holding up my invisible plastic cards in the academy right now. We've passed all the colors, I'm now throwing out the black card. At what point is it ok to argue with the instructor over EVERY test question? Yes, there may be an answer that is up for debate. There are not one hundred up for debate. STFU and deal with it.
Being a whiny ass and challenging every question because you don't agree with it is NOT going to make you a better cop. If you have an intelligent question, fine. Otherwise, once again, STFU.

Sorry, I apologize. The Diet Coke and lack of sleep are getting me.

Oh, and it's MDT not MTD. Acronyms people, acronyms. They STAND for something.