So here's the next fun call of the night, out of ten or twelve. Dispatched for a female patient, possible asthma attack. As soon as we pull up the address on the MDT the Lt. goes, "You have got to be shitting me." Said address is what we call a frequent flier, one of those obnoxious people who call 911 for EVERYTHING. Oh, and did I mention NOTHING is ever a true emergency. So the probie and the guy who lost rock, paper, scissors get the squad. The rest of us stand at the truck and laugh our asses off. She is NOT having an asthma attack when we get there, she is yelling at a cop. She's telling him how someone has copyright infringed on her thoughts. Now people, I'm not talking about her ideas for something. She means her actual THOUGHTS in her head. No joke, I can't make this up. So after dealing with her personal brand of craziness the probie, who looks like a scared kid, herds her into the squad. As soon as she tries to climb in, instant "wheezes."
For those of you not in the medical field, wheezes are LOWER lung sounds. If you try to fake them you get UPPER sounds, like stridor or something equally obnoxious. By now probie is looking at Lt. and I and silently screaming "SAVE ME" with his eyes. We pull him aside, "Look we've all dealt with her, now it's your turn." She is still attempting to fake wheezes, poorly. Probie starts questioning her on past history, meds ect. Fake difficulty breathing ceases. Nice. Apparently the hospital report went something like this: "Enroute with a female who states she is having difficulty breathing. Vitals are stable, no obvious signs of respiratory distress. Pt. is able to hold a conversation without difficulty." The ER discharged her before we had the electronic report finished on the MDT.
"We don't save lives, we just postpone the inevitable."
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