Crap cops . . .

"You're a crap cop . . . you didn't used to be." -Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Every department has one, or sixty depending on your size. The cop who no one wants to work with. They go by many names: shit bag, d*****bag, asshole, slacker, dead-weight, no-show, retired on duty and many others. They are young, they are old, male, female, fifth year or twenty fifth.
Every cop fears them for the simple fact cops are convinced this person will ultimately be responsible for their death. They half-ass paperwork, dodge calls, bitch endlessly, punt things to unsuspecting officers and are generally worthless.
Every supervisor tries to shove them off on some other shift or some random administrative assignment. Every cop on their shift hates them. It never seems like the administration catches on or even cares. They are the bad apple in a batch of 1,000 that ruins cops in the eyes of the public.
The concept of the badge being a symbol of the public trust is a complete loss on them. They miss weapons on pat-downs. They leave drugs "for the jail to find" and thereby write the report for. They don't go the extra mile for the victim, the public or their brothers and sisters.
Don't get me wrong, everyone has their days. I've left work and wondered how I made it out alive. But that's one day. Unfortunately in law enforcement that's all it takes for you not to go home. Or someone else not to go home.
I beg you don't be a crap cop. If you think I'm becoming one, stop me. If you know one, tell them to shape up.

"You're a cop because you don't know how not to be one. If you feel that way, you're a cop. If you don't, you're not - you decide." - Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Field Guide to Prisoners . . .

Drunkus Maximus: Nocturnal. Two varieties of species: one is funny, the other one only thinks they are.

Drunkus Obnoxious: Male- You may have to go hands on if aggressive. Will probably ask for your badge number. Female- Characteristics are screaming/crying/informing you she was a former beauty queen/is married to someone who makes six times what you do. Very vocal.

Flirtatious: Male sightings are rare but not unheard of. Females are more social. Found often on traffic stops. May have bright plumage and very colorful facial markings.

Polywarrantus- May attempt to fight or flee if cornered. Has multiple outstanding warrants. Can be highly aggressive and dangerous.

Entitlement Complexus- Will attempt prove superiority/dominance, young male of the species is the worst. Can also share some traits with Drunkus Obnoxious, generally comes from a wealthier background than average. Impervious to reason and consequences.

Emotional Complexus- Defense mechanisms include tears and hysteria. Reasoning may or may not work. If all else fails, safety in numbers.

Unstableness Obvious: Use caution, unpredictable and potentially violent. Is not playing the same game with the same rules you are.

Clearly your brain has gone on vacation . . .

This week in a nutshell:

Woman calls me at midnight about her husband's case in federal court. Proceeds to ask me for federal court house's number. Calls back complaining because they are not open. At midnight. On a Saturday. Right.

Man shows up to post bond on wife charged with DUI. Shows up drunk. Gets pulled over on the street in front of the SO. Man arrested on DUI and warrant. Wife sees husband walk into intake and is very confused.

Man does not understand that coming to visit someone in jail who has a protection order on him will result in his immediate arrest. Requires almost an hour of explaining that while this is a jail, there is no "home base" where the protection order does not apply. Including the jail.

Being polite and other things my Dad tought me. . .

Today I was missing my buddy so I went to the cemetery to say hello and leave a few things. I know he's not there, his spirit is somewhere else, but it made me feel better. For those of you familiar with various other religions, specifically Native American, you will understand the significance of a tobacco offering.
My friend smoked, (don't start, it's not good for you) it may/may not have helped to contribute to his death. Despite having a degree in community health and disease prevention, I could never persuade him to quit. All that aside, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes in his favorite brand.

is what the convenience store clerk does to me:
"I would like a pack of Marlboro Red please."
"Smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't buy those."
(Showing great restraint and smiling) "Thank you."
"Those are pretty strong, I don't think that's what you want."
"You have no idea. They will be fine."
(He hands me a pack of Marlboro Lights) "No. Marlboro Red please."
(With a disgusted look) "I can't believe you smoke these."

Really? If you have a moral problem with selling people cancer in a stick, don't work somewhere you have to sell tobacco and alcohol. Thanks.

This is followed by a wonderful experience in the cemetery.

"You shouldn't leave cigarettes on someone's grave, children will take them and smoke them."
"I'm going to field strip 5 of them and take the rest with me."
"I think that's just terrible."

Thanks.

At what point did Americans find it appropriate to be so anti-tobacco that they accost people in cemeteries? I'm old enough to posess them and I'm not smoking them. I think we'll be ok. I'm also pretty sure that most underage children don't get ahold of their tobacco products from cemeteries, but I could be wrong about that.

Am I talking to myself here?

Sorry for the extended delay . . . I was enjoying some extended time off thanks my wonderful build up of comp time. Now that it's time to get back to work, here's some of my recent phone conversations.

"What's my son charged with?"
"Felonious assault."
"Is that a felony?"

"What's my daughter charged with?"
"The official term is a 'capias,' it's a Latin term meaning to seize."
"What's it for?"
"She did something the court told her not to."
"What was it?"
"I have no idea. Depends on the conditions of her probation."
"That's illegal. You can't hold her when you don't know what it's for."
"I don't know what it's for, but the court does and that's who counts."

"What's my son's bond?"
"He's sentenced to 180 days in jail. No bond."
"Why not?"
"Uh, that's the point of a jail sentence. To serve it."

"My daughter got released on her charge of theft this morning, why isn't she out of jail?"
"She has 6 other pending charges including 2 felonies, one of which is escape."
"So why can't she get out for the morning and come back?"
"Nice try."

Shameless plug . . .

So thanks to Mrs. Fuzz over at "a police wife" I found this awesome little item on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/49174029/to-protect-and-serve. There are several other cool things in this shop including this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/47305224/it-is-not-how-he-died-that-made-him-a.
So in other news, I'm now addicted to Etsy. Nice.

Pain in the . . . oh, you know.

Actual dispatch: "Respond to the front of the city administration building for a female down in the lawn complaining of pain in the rectum and buttocks."
No one moved for the truck for a good second. "Are we getting punked?" "Is this the cops' idea of a joke?" "Is this a joke from our union negotiators?"

Oh no. Actual call.

Pain was not secondary to a fall, a bowel movement, heavy lifting or anything else we could find. May have been secondary to sitting on concrete for awhile down at the city park? Who knows, my medic's assessment provided no magical insight.
"Do you want transported to the ER?"
"No."
"Seriously? Then why did you call 911?" (She was in fact the original caller)
"I want an aspirin."
At this point my Captain looks like he might strangle someone.
"SEE THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS 'Walgreen's' AT THE END OF THE BLOCK?!"
"Yeah."
"THEY SELL ASPIRIN."
"I called you out here, I want you to do something. I'm not buying a whole bottle."
"We're leaving."