Public Safety Parody

God love ya . . .

2011-01-09T21:07:00.003-05:00

A collection of "shorts" from work:

-Do not bring your own needles full of heroin to the OB floor and shoot up while with your newborn. We will arrest you. Also, do not attempt to have drugs passed off at the hospital while you are there in custody being treated. Does not work well, your friends are in jail now too.

-Coming to jail in a shirt from a courthouse restaurant who's slogan is, "Where justice is served," will result in it being featured in your online mugshot. Same for the ubiquitous, "It's all fun and games until the cops show up" shirt.

-Never, ever assume that attempting to beat a cop or CO's ass will not result in you being gang tackled by more officers than you have ever seen. We're like ninjas, we come out of the walls.

-Making threats to the officer who charged you with assault on them will only result in another charge and more prison time. Shut your mouth.

-For at least the 500th time, do not come to the sheriff's office for something where you have to give ID and then cry when we arrest you on your warrants. It's kind of what we do.

-Do not break down and call for a deputy to assist you when you are drunk, unless you want arrested. Additional info: If you have drugs on you, do not walk up and talk to the K9 officer; his partner does not have a sense of humor, just a keen sense of smell.

-Committing any type of crime while on sheriff's office property where there are cameras recording will result in your immediate arrest, embarrassment in court.

The 12 Days Christmas . . .

2010-12-21T14:17:00.004-05:00

Grab your moose mugs full of eggnog and sing along . . .

On the 12th day of Christmas my Sgt. gave to me,
14 reports and the paperwork to a felony

11 pairs of shackles

10 use of force sheets

9 prisoner pickups

8 warning tickets

7 in house trainings

6 sets of flex cuffs

5 time of request forms

4 warrant checks

3 pending calls

2 surety bonds

And a subpoena to the grand jury . . .

"Hallelujah! Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?"

Angles among us . . .

2010-12-16T16:57:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been suffering a terrific case of writer's block. It's not that the jail has suddenly gone calm and people have started to engage their brain before their mouth before calling us. I think it might be the holiday season in general. I've been trying to concentrate on planning time with friends and family on my off days and scheduling in precious sleep. Somehow my love of snow hasn't even made me super cheery this year.
Maybe it's the fact that it's the first year I have to walk up to a headstone to tell my best friend Merry Christmas. They played "Blue Christmas" the other day and I cried like an idiot for ten minutes. This year I am less worried about finding everyone the perfect gift and more worried about giving everyone a hug. I am content to skip the holiday parties and sit on the couch with my friends and watch Christmas Vacation for the 30th time. 30th time this month.
What can I say? I'm trying. There are angels among us, I just miss mine the most right now.

Better angels . . .

2010-11-30T11:51:00.002-05:00

I hold no office in my union. You will not find me in contract negotiations. You will find me fighting for you in public meetings, attending budget sessions for my county and educating people. Yesterday I was accused of being "aggressive" and "outspoken" by several people I work with. I know what I want for myself and my department. Several county officials congratulated me on my piece at a town hall budget meeting the other night. One was a Democrat, one from the Tea Party and one from the GOP. Politics and diplomacy at their finest.
Here's the thing. In the jail someone who mf's you through the door all night is called a "cell warrior;" as soon as you open that door and come face to face they've got nothing to say. I'm no cell warrior. I won't post thinly veiled comments of hatred toward my sheriff and administration on Facebook. I won't join in the mud-slinging sessions in roll call where we decide we hate every elected official. Ask me who I am and what I stand for. I will tell you. I will quote financial data, employment figures and cold hard facts.
Most of of all though, I will fight for you. Your job, my job, any cop in my department's job. I am a fighter, a warrior and a protector. My voice will be heard.

"I'm a (wo)man of my convictions. Call me wrong, call me right; but I bring my better angels to everything. You may not like where I'm going, but you sure know where I stand. Hate me if you want to, love me if you can." -Toby Keith

Guardian angels . . .

2010-11-22T12:10:00.003-05:00

It's been a hard couple of weeks. The wolf is at the door again for layoffs. Now they want to eliminate two entire patrol shifts. God help us.
A few nights ago I was going to pick up one of our inmates from another county. I am a deputy sheriff with full arrest powers, I just happened to be assigned to the jail and not patrol. A man turns the wrong way down a one way street in front of me. I stop him in the cruiser. He gets out on me in the middle of a completely shitty section of town. Flight or fight. Looks like flight. Behind me I hear the unmistakable sound of a police K9 and his handler. The driver freezes and suddenly becomes cooperative.
I've never met this officer, he comes from one of the biggest city departments in our state. He works in the county adjacent to mine. We left that stop and I asked how he heard me call the stop out on my channel. He didn't. He told me he was just watching over me.
Thank God for guardian angels.

Callin' Baton Rouge . . .

2010-11-10T21:45:00.003-05:00

We have an inmate in our jail on a holder from the Baton Rouge Police Department. Nationwide pickup radius, they will come almost 1,000 miles across more than five states to get their prisoner.
Family calls about the prisoner. "What are they charged with?"
"I don't know, I didn't confirm the warrant. All I can see is the holder."
"Well. When do we know when they'll let them go? They're not coming up here for that."
"Uh. Yes. Yes they are. That's why they sent a holder that says 'We will extradite."
"They don't even know what they're charged with! That's not legal!"
"Tell them to think back to the last time they were in Louisiana and see if any felonies jump out."
"How do you know it's a felony?"
"Police departments don't come 1,000 miles for misdemeanors."
"Well you need to call them and see when they'll lift the holder."
"They're not lifting the holder. An extradition hearing is scheduled for the beginning of the week."
"Do you have the number to Baton Rouge?"
"No."
"Why not?"

That's like asking me why I don't have the number to the police department in Juneau, Alaska. I'm sorry, we don't just call them up to chat on a weekly basis.

Political games . . .

2010-11-02T22:14:00.003-04:00

So a friend of mine called today all upset over the elections. Like crying upset. Now to be clear, I'm an informed voter and I enjoy politics in moderation. I could care less about political smear campaigns and constant bickering. She rages on and on about how she's experiencing the stages of grief. No joke. She doesn't work for a candidate or a campaign, she just follows politics.
I'm not trying to be an asshole here, but really?
The candidate you wanted to win lost. I've lost my best friend. You're crying about the governor. I'm trying to put my dress uniform together for an awards ceremony without crying. You can't believe they were predicting the wrong winner in an election. My Sgt. can't believe he had to go tell a child's parents that the media was wrong, their child is dead. You're trying to reconcile the next 2 to 4 years of politics. I'm trying to reconcile leaving my department of 4 years and starting over.
I guess we all take a different view on life.
As I polish my nameplate and collar brass I'm reminded of the one person who would have enjoyed seeing me get my commendation for exemplary service more than me. My award will be just like his. I just wish he was here to see it.

But then, I've been there before . . .

2010-10-19T02:13:00.002-04:00

Repeat offender syndrome: (noun) - 1) Displayed by any inmate who informs you "this isn't my first rodeo" or "I've already been to prison so this is nothing." 2) Any pattern of events at the intake desk that lead you to believe the same thing is happening over and over. (i.e everyone has been arrested for domestic violence, is drunk or both) 3) Any time you release someone from jail and they get arrested again during your shift. 4) When any inmate states they got arrested just so they could come to jail for food/shelter 5) When any inmate explains any part of the process to you better than most officers

See also: Rehabilitation (obsolete)

Take it to God . . . or your Lt., whoever you find first

2010-10-09T21:18:00.002-04:00

Recently things have been hectic at work, as I'm sure you've gathered from the posts about my coworkers' mental health. Our chief deputy recently came forward and told the sheriff that "our jail is sick." He laid out everything to the sheriff, and it was ugly.
Our lieutenants have been pulling various employees in to talk with them about problems at work. Luckily I got selected by one of the trustworthy ones, you know the supervisors that you can have a meltdown on and they never tell anyone.
When I was done voicing my observations and concerns my Lt looked sick. I don't know if he was ready to take confession when he started the meeting. Some of the things I told him visibly disturbed him. He asked how supervisors could willingly and purposefully belittle a suicidal officer. He asked why no one came and debriefed the officers that had sat with him until help arrived so he couldn't harm himself. He asked how a sergeant could lie and falsify documents to protect one officer and implicate an other.
I had no answers. I still don't.
I feel better, because I gave my problems up to someone with power. I'm pretty sure that's not what my grandmother meant when she told me to give my problems up to higher power. She was talking about God. Unlike my inmates, I have never found God in my jail. I did however find someone willing to listen.
I don't think the administration's willingness to take action now will affect my decision to leave for another agency as soon as the opportunity arises. Just like the Wizard of Oz, you can never go back once you see what evil stands behind the curtain.

Crisis epidemic . . .

2010-09-28T10:43:00.004-04:00

When one of my colleagues committed suicide over the holidays I posted this. Now belatedly the people I work with have realized the big picture. Since my date of hire 4 years ago, our department has had 2 suicide attempts while on duty and 10 people go out on "stress evaluation leave." Only 3 of those 10 have returned to duty. 2 officers have walked in to the brass, put their service weapon on the desk and stated: "I'm going to quit or I'm going to kill myself." All but 3 of these incidents have happened within the last year.

My administration is clueless. "What problem?" Like your employees running like lemmings to a cliff isn't a big enough clue something is wrong. More and more officers are expressing signs of stress; yet we are told to do more with less.

This week a man who trained me, joked with me and cried with me simply walked off the job. He walked into the Captain's office laid his equipment and his paperwork on the desk and left. Again I'm left with the feeling of "What did I miss?" Surely to God we should have noticed something in a man we worked with every night, drank with and talked to every day. I hope he's happy in a world far from law enforcement and corrections. I hope we can stop the trend, our lives depend on it. Only thing is, how do you fight a monster you can't see?

No, I am not poison control . . .

2010-09-27T20:39:00.002-04:00

One of our frequent fliers calls 911. We get called out for "an overdose on unknown substance." Nice, so it could be bleach or Tums. Upon arrival we find our resident system abuser who says this: "Why are you here?" Behind me I can barely make out my engineer whisper, "I was wondering the same thing."

FF: "I called poison control"
Me: "No, you called 911."
FF: "Well yeah, but that was because I wanted the number to poison control."
Me: "That's what 411 is for, not 911."
FF: "No, 411 is information not poison control, everyone knows that"
Me: "Clearly not."
FF: "So are you going to do your job and give me the number?"
Me: "Did you take something you think is dangerous?"
FF: "No, I wanted to see if this pill my girlfriend gave me is really a Vicodin."
Me: "Right. Go back in the house before I call the cops."

Honestly, I thought we covered this. . .

2010-09-21T08:07:00.001-04:00

For the record:

1. Do not drive to the sheriff's office to produce paperwork to a deputy when you are drunk, suspended or both.

2. Do not walk in a 24 hour diner where there are 3 uniformed officers and two plainclothes eating dinner at 4 am; while smoking a joint with active warrants for your arrest. Especially if you are going to come up and talk to us.

3. Do not drop off inmate medication to the jail pharmacy that has 5 kinds of pills in one bottle. When one is a schedule 2 drug, that's an even bigger problem.

4. Do not come bail out the person you have a protection order against and then yell at the deputy because they tell you to leave the property before that inmate comes outside.

5. Do not turn yourself in at the jail with illegal drugs on your person.

That's all for today's PSA. Remember, we're here to serve your ass; not kiss it.

So. . .your're a cop?

2010-09-14T08:53:00.002-04:00

This has gotten said to me like 20 times while I've been in uniform this week. Is it bad these are some of the responses I've concocted in my head?

-Nope. Stripper.
-Halloween is a religion for me. I celebrate it year round.
-Stole the uniform. Don't tell the cops.
-I'm an explorer. We're short staffed from lay offs so they let me carry a gun after school.
-They said military uniform inspired clothing was the new thing this fall, my own twist.
-I dress like this because I like looking like I weigh 20 pounds more and like a man.

Or just, "No." I wonder what they'd say to that?

Red light, green light . . .

2010-09-05T20:52:00.003-04:00

*Quick note: Thanks to everyone for the song suggestions, my I Pod and I love you.

Sarge: (Pointing at our extra guy.)"You're on red light" (Pointing at my partner.) "You're on green light"

Extra guy: "Wait, so I'm on red light?!"

Sarge: (Speaking to my partner) "He's only greenlighted if you give him permission. If he goes green without your permission I green light you to beat his ass."

Extra guy: "Red light means I'm on time out and I'm the good cop?! What the f***"

Ideas welcome . . .

2010-09-01T16:25:00.003-04:00

So I'm about to buy myself an I Pod Touch, which I am super excited about. The purpose for this shiny new toy (other than I want to play Apps at work) is that I need it for a half-marathon. That being said, I have a limited idea about what I'm going to put on my playlist.
Side note: For all you awesome half-marathon runners, I am not you. This is going to take me a while. A long while.
So I need at least two and a half hours of quality running music . . . feel free to share ideas, I'm kind of out here on my own.

I just stopped to say I love you . . .

2010-08-29T23:51:00.003-04:00

Hey buddy,
I just stopped to say hello. Work is really bad sometimes; I wish you were here to point out the good parts. I got involved in a disciplinary hearing and I didn't even know I was part of the original event. You would be happy know that I was cleared and my file is still clean. I see that the guys have been tucking notes about work under your memorial stone. It's time to move on from the Sheriff's Office, somehow I know you would approve. I went to visit my parents and thought of you, I want you to be proud. It will all be ok, it's just hard here without you. You would approve of my current half-unit, I know you never liked the last guy I dated anyways. I miss asking you my "rookie" questions more than you can imagine. Watch over me. . . I love you.

Ya think?

2010-08-24T07:09:00.003-04:00

From the cartoon "Police Limit" by Garey McKee. Hallelujah, he speaks the truth.

Moving on . . .

2010-08-22T15:49:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I reached one of the hardest decisions of my life, to go ahead and move on from my beloved SO. Work has been so bad lately that people are quitting with no other job to go to. The current status can only be explained as "dark." There will probably be yet another round of layoffs to bring the total to an even 100.
This is not the department that hired me. This is not why I became a cop. They announced there will be no promotional exam for patrol in 2011, there has not been one since 2008. This is now my fourth year in the jail. I remember when work was fun and people cared about each other there.
As one friend leaves for state law enforcement, I lay flowers on an other's grave. It's time to move on. I started updating my resume yesterday, my first choice is city law enforcement followed by the state investigative division.
I never wanted to leave this place but it's time to move on to bigger and better things.

Lost in translation . . . cop to English

2010-08-11T07:15:00.003-04:00

"Hey CO, all I did was a quick search for weapons."
translation - "If you find dope or anything else, please handle the charges and report so I don't have to."

"All he has wrong with him is a small abrasion to his knee."
translation - "I think it might need stitches, please don't make me take this guy to the hospital."

"Unable to locate."
translation - "I can't believe you sent me here to check on this. The "suspicious" person was last seen an hour ago. Like they're still going to be here. Right."

"It's a civil matter."
translation - "Why the hell did you call the cops for this?"

"Do you have any pending calls?"
translation - "Please say no so I can eat for the first time in eight hours."

Crap cops . . .

2010-07-31T08:56:00.003-04:00

"You're a crap cop . . . you didn't used to be." -Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Every department has one, or sixty depending on your size. The cop who no one wants to work with. They go by many names: shit bag, d*****bag, asshole, slacker, dead-weight, no-show, retired on duty and many others. They are young, they are old, male, female, fifth year or twenty fifth.
Every cop fears them for the simple fact cops are convinced this person will ultimately be responsible for their death. They half-ass paperwork, dodge calls, bitch endlessly, punt things to unsuspecting officers and are generally worthless.
Every supervisor tries to shove them off on some other shift or some random administrative assignment. Every cop on their shift hates them. It never seems like the administration catches on or even cares. They are the bad apple in a batch of 1,000 that ruins cops in the eyes of the public.
The concept of the badge being a symbol of the public trust is a complete loss on them. They miss weapons on pat-downs. They leave drugs "for the jail to find" and thereby write the report for. They don't go the extra mile for the victim, the public or their brothers and sisters.
Don't get me wrong, everyone has their days. I've left work and wondered how I made it out alive. But that's one day. Unfortunately in law enforcement that's all it takes for you not to go home. Or someone else not to go home.
I beg you don't be a crap cop. If you think I'm becoming one, stop me. If you know one, tell them to shape up.

"You're a cop because you don't know how not to be one. If you feel that way, you're a cop. If you don't, you're not - you decide." - Ofc. John Cooper, SouthLAnd

Field Guide to Prisoners . . .

2010-07-20T11:21:00.002-04:00

Drunkus Maximus: Nocturnal. Two varieties of species: one is funny, the other one only thinks they are.

Drunkus Obnoxious: Male- You may have to go hands on if aggressive. Will probably ask for your badge number. Female- Characteristics are screaming/crying/informing you she was a former beauty queen/is married to someone who makes six times what you do. Very vocal.

Flirtatious: Male sightings are rare but not unheard of. Females are more social. Found often on traffic stops. May have bright plumage and very colorful facial markings.

Polywarrantus- May attempt to fight or flee if cornered. Has multiple outstanding warrants. Can be highly aggressive and dangerous.

Entitlement Complexus- Will attempt prove superiority/dominance, young male of the species is the worst. Can also share some traits with Drunkus Obnoxious, generally comes from a wealthier background than average. Impervious to reason and consequences.

Emotional Complexus- Defense mechanisms include tears and hysteria. Reasoning may or may not work. If all else fails, safety in numbers.

Unstableness Obvious: Use caution, unpredictable and potentially violent. Is not playing the same game with the same rules you are.

Clearly your brain has gone on vacation . . .

2010-07-12T11:08:00.003-04:00

This week in a nutshell:

Woman calls me at midnight about her husband's case in federal court. Proceeds to ask me for federal court house's number. Calls back complaining because they are not open. At midnight. On a Saturday. Right.

Man shows up to post bond on wife charged with DUI. Shows up drunk. Gets pulled over on the street in front of the SO. Man arrested on DUI and warrant. Wife sees husband walk into intake and is very confused.

Man does not understand that coming to visit someone in jail who has a protection order on him will result in his immediate arrest. Requires almost an hour of explaining that while this is a jail, there is no "home base" where the protection order does not apply. Including the jail.

Being polite and other things my Dad tought me. . .

2010-07-06T18:22:00.006-04:00

Today I was missing my buddy so I went to the cemetery to say hello and leave a few things. I know he's not there, his spirit is somewhere else, but it made me feel better. For those of you familiar with various other religions, specifically Native American, you will understand the significance of a tobacco offering.
My friend smoked, (don't start, it's not good for you) it may/may not have helped to contribute to his death. Despite having a degree in community health and disease prevention, I could never persuade him to quit. All that aside, I went and bought a pack of cigarettes in his favorite brand.

is what the convenience store clerk does to me:
"I would like a pack of Marlboro Red please."
"Smoking's bad for you. You shouldn't buy those."
(Showing great restraint and smiling) "Thank you."
"Those are pretty strong, I don't think that's what you want."
"You have no idea. They will be fine."
(He hands me a pack of Marlboro Lights) "No. Marlboro Red please."
(With a disgusted look) "I can't believe you smoke these."

Really? If you have a moral problem with selling people cancer in a stick, don't work somewhere you have to sell tobacco and alcohol. Thanks.

This is followed by a wonderful experience in the cemetery.

"You shouldn't leave cigarettes on someone's grave, children will take them and smoke them."
"I'm going to field strip 5 of them and take the rest with me."
"I think that's just terrible."

Thanks.

At what point did Americans find it appropriate to be so anti-tobacco that they accost people in cemeteries? I'm old enough to posess them and I'm not smoking them. I think we'll be ok. I'm also pretty sure that most underage children don't get ahold of their tobacco products from cemeteries, but I could be wrong about that.

Am I talking to myself here?

2010-06-29T15:46:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the extended delay . . . I was enjoying some extended time off thanks my wonderful build up of comp time. Now that it's time to get back to work, here's some of my recent phone conversations.

"What's my son charged with?"
"Felonious assault."
"Is that a felony?"

"What's my daughter charged with?"
"The official term is a 'capias,' it's a Latin term meaning to seize."
"What's it for?"
"She did something the court told her not to."
"What was it?"
"I have no idea. Depends on the conditions of her probation."
"That's illegal. You can't hold her when you don't know what it's for."
"I don't know what it's for, but the court does and that's who counts."

"What's my son's bond?"
"He's sentenced to 180 days in jail. No bond."
"Why not?"
"Uh, that's the point of a jail sentence. To serve it."

"My daughter got released on her charge of theft this morning, why isn't she out of jail?"
"She has 6 other pending charges including 2 felonies, one of which is escape."
"So why can't she get out for the morning and come back?"
"Nice try."

Shameless plug . . .

2010-06-16T06:48:00.002-04:00

So thanks to Mrs. Fuzz over at "a police wife" I found this awesome little item on Etsy: http://www.etsy.com/listing/49174029/to-protect-and-serve. There are several other cool things in this shop including this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/47305224/it-is-not-how-he-died-that-made-him-a.
So in other news, I'm now addicted to Etsy. Nice.

Pain in the . . . oh, you know.

2010-06-07T18:20:00.003-04:00

Actual dispatch: "Respond to the front of the city administration building for a female down in the lawn complaining of pain in the rectum and buttocks."
No one moved for the truck for a good second. "Are we getting punked?" "Is this the cops' idea of a joke?" "Is this a joke from our union negotiators?"

Oh no. Actual call.

Pain was not secondary to a fall, a bowel movement, heavy lifting or anything else we could find. May have been secondary to sitting on concrete for awhile down at the city park? Who knows, my medic's assessment provided no magical insight.
"Do you want transported to the ER?"
"No."
"Seriously? Then why did you call 911?" (She was in fact the original caller)
"I want an aspirin."
At this point my Captain looks like he might strangle someone.
"SEE THAT BIG SIGN THAT SAYS 'Walgreen's' AT THE END OF THE BLOCK?!"
"Yeah."
"THEY SELL ASPIRIN."
"I called you out here, I want you to do something. I'm not buying a whole bottle."
"We're leaving."

Memorials . . .

2010-05-31T15:51:00.002-04:00

I have a question for all of you out there who may be reading this. Does anyone know of a company/person that makes police memorial jewelry? I would like something that can be concealed in my uniform (i.e. a necklace) or something that fits in our uniform regulations (a plain metal memorial bracelet). I have seen several places that manufacture stainless steel and aluminum bracelets, but all suggestions are welcome. Honestly my first choice would be a necklace, preferably my department's five point star, or custom dog tags. Any and all options are encouraged. Please leave suggestions in the comments section. Thank you.

Sunrise . . .

2010-05-28T04:29:00.002-04:00

Hey buddy,
I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop just like I almost always was for our 2am phone call marathons. I keep waiting for you to call me and ask me to look something up for you. I'm waiting for the phone to ring with that ringtone I assigned to you 6 years ago and refused to change out of pure stubbornness. I wanted to call you so bad yesterday and ask about the dress uniform for the funeral, but it's your funeral. I polished the gun belt you helped me put together and hollered at me about constantly. I kept crying when I thought about it, so I think there's probably some tears on there too.
The boys cleaned up your cruiser, you would have been proud. I unloaded my magazines on my off days the other day because I swore I could hear you yelling at me about it. Someone is driving me in the procession because I know you wouldn't have wanted me behind the wheel all upset. I went to the doctor the other day when I was feeling sick; I didn't want you to think I never listened to you about anything. (And on that note, just for the record, you were right. As usual.)
You know which ones on your shift you have to keep a close eye on. Promise me you'll still look out for me, I don't know what I'm going to do with out you. I'm going to breakfast this morning with my favorite person, you know which one I'm talking about. I'll miss telling her about you, those were always great stories.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done. You were always the first person I hit the speed dial for when things were too much to bear alone. I can't understand why God would take my best friend. I know what you're saying, I can hear you. I'm not blaming God, it's just hard.
Well that's about it. "What are you doing exciting?" "Absolutely nothing." "Well why not?" I'm going to go outside in a little bit and watch the sunrise. Watch it with me please.

I love you.

End of watch . . .

2010-05-25T11:18:00.003-04:00

It is with a broken heart that I post this. Last night my best friend/mentor/favorite deputy passed away suddenly before start of shift. I am at a loss. He was 42 years old.

I will say this. For six years, from the time I became a firefighter and eventually a deputy, he watched over me. He answered my questions and loved me unconditionally. The last words I ever spoke to him were "I love you."

God give me strength for I know I cannot do this alone. Never in a million years did I ever think a man I loved with all my heart would leave so soon. A man who will never see me get married, be promoted to patrol, turn 25 or any of the hundreds of other things we often spoke of.

I love you. Watch over your brothers and I; you would have been the person I would have turned to to get through something like this.

Please, if you are out there and feel the need say a prayer for my deputy. I know you didn't know him, but he would have loved all of you.

Rest in peace my brother, we have the watch.

BROTHERHOOD

Public safety partners quiz . . .

2010-05-15T03:18:00.002-04:00

Take the following quiz and give yourself a point for every answer you can say "yes" to:
(The partner can be your husband/wife/significant other/or your work partners)

You've ever been hung up on preceded by any of the following statements:
a. We've got a run.
b. I've got a call.
c. Some dumbass just about took off the front of my cruiser.
d. I've got to go help this unit/person.
e. WHAT THE F*CK WAS THAT?!

You've ever been the last one in the restaurant of your party and ever had to say:
a. They're on duty, they have a call.
b. Sorry, we're on call.
c. Could we have that to go?

You've ever been woken up to a phone call that starts:
a. Did you know I had court?
b. What are you doing right now? (Extra point if the answer has ever been, "SLEEPING.")
c. I forgot something, can you bring it to work?

You are perfectly comfortable with long silences in phone conversations due to:
a. Someone running a tag.
b. Answering the radio.
c. The other person typing/eating/yelling loudly at traffic.

Any of the following is in your personal vehicle/work vehicle:
a. Disposable gloves.
b. Extra handcuff keys/handcuffs
c. Extra uniform parts.
d. Anything your partner has had to move off of their seat and rolled their eyes about.

More than five? Congratulations, and welcome to the edge of reality.

Greater love hath no man . . .

2010-05-11T06:20:00.002-04:00

In honor of National Police Week . . .

Thank you for being my brother. Thank you for being my sister. Even though I've never met you, I have your back. I might not know your name, but I love you. I will be faithful unto the death for you. I will lay down my life for you. Should you ever need me, all you have to do is call.

Somewhere tonight is someone who only gets to say "I love you" to a headstone. Somewhere a child dreams of a parent who will never see them grow up. Somewhere a parent cries that they have had to bury their child.

Be safe.

Greater love hath no man than this; that a man lay down his life for his brother. John 15:13

Cries for help . . .

2010-05-06T08:58:00.003-04:00

During headcount a few nights ago I heard someone repeatedly call out for me. After locating the cell, an inmate runs up to the door in tears and says "I just hung up with my sister before count and she's going to kill herself."
I took the name and the address and called central communications. They sent a deputy and the fire department. She did not kill herself. The deputy kicked the door in before she succeeded.
One of the reasons I remain in public safety is I believe someone should always be there to hear cries for help. I also believe that someone should answer them.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

2010-05-03T08:36:00.002-04:00

Much like the post I wrote about suicide, I guess I chose to ignore that our profession also boasts one of the highest rates of divorce. So far this week two of my best friends have dropped on me they are getting divorced. One is a young guy who has only been married four years, one is a guy on his second marriage. Sure, people at our department get divorced but it's almost always the ones that you cringed when they got married. The "that's not going to end well" type of marriage.
Both of my friends are devastated. There are children involved in both marriages that are devastated. The younger one says that after counseling it is a mutual split. Apparently as the mother of a two year old his wife was not able to come to terms with him working 12 hour shifts at night. The older guy had been divorced for a while before marriage number two. He was so excited to have a family situation back in his life; he even took full custody of all three children from a previous marriage. There was a big communication problem in that marriage that several of my friends tried to gently point out to them.
Both of them have to come to me for advice. I told them both the same thing; I've never been married, I'm not qualified. My parents have been married almost 40 years. I have no idea what divorce is like.
To me marriage is an institution not to be taken lightly. I'm not just going to run off to Vegas or marry someone I've only known a year. Communication and trust is a big thing to me. At this rate I'll just stay single . . .

Quotations and observations . . .

2010-04-26T21:08:00.004-04:00

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." - Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

I have an engraved bracelet that says "Fall down seven times, stand up eight." It was a saying told to me when I graduated the police academy.

On that note, this post will be kind of flighty and short. Given how work has been going, this is about as good as it is going to get today. Today I saw a good friend of mine in a shoot/don't shoot situation in real life. He is not sure he is comfortable with the decision he made, I have every confidence in the world in him. You don't make your decision because you hate what is in front of you . . . you make it because you love the men and women behind you.

If you're in California and see a San Bernardino deputy . . . tell them thanks for what they do. It's a long story, but they're worth it.

"There's no such thing as coincidence" - Lt. Joe Leaphorn, from the Tony Hillerman books.

Hang on . . .

2010-04-22T21:59:00.002-04:00

That about sums up how work has gone the last two weeks. Our division has had some major staffing changes and we are no longer working 12 hour shifts. Hello 5 days of 8's. My best friend has been moved to second shift. We have no idea what supervisors will be assigned to our rotation.

Did I mention I hate change? No, I didn't? Well, I do.

Just close your eyes and hang on.

Reality . . .

2010-04-12T17:52:00.003-04:00

Pawn: (noun) - What you are to your politically motivated administration. See also: means to an end, bargaining chip.

Morale: (noun) - A rare mental and emotional condition involving enthusiasm and confidence. Sometimes seen in departments without layoffs and budget emergencies.

Brotherhood: (noun) - An unbreakable bond shared by members of a law enforcement agency. The only known defense against crisis within or outside of a department. See also: thin blue line.

We didn't start the fire . . .

2010-04-07T01:34:00.005-04:00

My night went something like this, sing along in your mind:

Warrant problems
Low manpower
Whiny cops
Amateur hour
No service
ER Rooms
Awful leadership

Fire department
Extradition
Power outage
Failed to mention
Schedule changes
Venue changes
When can I go home

Overtime
Long day
Jail's full
Hazard pay
OR
The bond is payed
And the Sgt's on his way

Infirmary
Med pass
Have we called a squad for this
Clear the sally
Call the medic
Where the hell's my Sgt

We didn't start the fire
It was always burnin' since the worlds been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it but we tried to fight it

And for amusement purposes: http://www.sporcle.com/games/wedidntstartthefire.php
I have gotten up to 113 of the 120 . . . some things I never can spell.

They were somebody's someone . . .

2010-03-27T00:32:00.003-04:00

"All gave some, some gave all."

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/us/faces-of-the-dead.html?ref=us#/dikcis_alan_n

Uncommon criminals and other myths . . .

2010-03-23T15:24:00.002-04:00

This is starting to be my new least favorite line from new prisoners: "I'm not a common criminal, quit treating me like one!" Guess what? I treat everyone who comes through my doors the same. Just because you've never been to the county jail does not mean you're special. You have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Sorry. I don't care if you're innocent, that's the court's problem. Don't complain it's not fair that you have to go through the same processing as the girl we've arrested five times for prostitution. Five times this month.

Landfill fires are not "cool" they are not "a training opportunity" or anything else you might try to make them. They suck. The last one took me two months to get the stench off of everything I own. Let's just call a spade a spade . . . it's flaming garbage.

You can not answer medical assessment questions during an actual seizure. If you are faking however, you definitely can. Try harder, we're like American Idol, we've seen it all.

Do I know you?

2010-03-21T08:16:00.003-04:00

It's the question every deputy/CO hates while they are out in public off duty. Yeah, you know me. I arrested/processed/restrained/transported you. Do I really want to tell you that in front of my family and yours? Probably not. I usually just smile and then they suddenly realize the connection and quietly move on.
This morning I had a very disturbing encounter while paying for my breakfast. I hand my bill and my cash to the lady behind the counter. I'm not really looking at her because I'm with two dispatchers, all of us in civilian clothes. Halfway through making my change the cashier bursts into tears, and sobbing, tells the other clerk to give me my change as she bolts for the door.
Awkward.
The new cashier looks at me and goes "I guess she knows you." "Uh, not that I'm aware of." I have a fairly good record with faces, and I swear I didn't know the first cashier from Adam. I feel pretty weird about this. Obviously this lady recognizes me and it is not a pleasant reminder of something. I try to be a decent officer and treat people with respect. However when I was a new officer I was a little badge-heavy and that's not something I am proud of. I know that I am a better deputy now than I was for the first two years, and I also know that I could use some improving. I have no idea what I could have possibly done to this woman.
Again, disturbing.

Life imitates art . . .

2010-03-16T19:41:00.003-04:00

Irony: (noun) - Defined as being the mediator for a dispute in a housing unit while all the inmates watch an incredibly similar and equally ridiculous dispute on "COPS."
See also: Learning curve, job securtiy

Keeps me turning home . . .

2010-03-10T05:23:00.002-05:00

"I don't know no friends like the old friends" - Turning Home, David Nail.

After an incredibly rewarding and enjoyable weekend with college friends I returned to the joys of work. Nothing like checking your messages and discovering three of your good friends just got hit with lay offs. Sometimes, even though I mostly love it, I wonder about the place I work at. Politics are getting old. Don't get me wrong, I like the Sheriff and the people I work with; I just have issues with the institution.
For all of you who have ever worked nights, especially these glorious twelve hour shifts, you know how important good coworkers can be. I am bitter. I am a little depressed. I am feeling a little guilty too, if layoffs ever reach me it pretty much means we shut the jail down. Turnover in our division is so high here it's ridiculous. Those of us who stay have pretty much decided we can endure anything. Our shift has been together for almost 4 years. My two best friends may be leaving also, one for state law enforcement and one for city.
Somehow we keep coming to work, most times with a smile. We keep coming back to the politics, the layoffs, the fights and general bullshit. Why? I think because it's our home. Our best work related memories are here with each other. We are the last line of defense for each other, and somehow that makes it worth it.

BROTHERHOOD

Can't have it . . . not yours

2010-03-05T17:31:00.003-05:00

So let me just say there is nothing I love more than driving almost an hour for a warrant transport only to discover the arresting agency won't let me have the prisoner due to a paperwork error. Yes. This is how my "Monday" at work started. I felt like yelling really loudly "YOU called ME." (I did not, I let my Lt. yell at them.)
The day continued to be awesome when on the way back to my HQ a guy runs a red light and causes a wreck directly in front of me. Awesome. Here's to keeping the peace and directing traffic in the rain while waiting for the locals to show up.
You know what made this completely better upon arrival back at work? Wrestling a guy covered in mace out of the back of a cruiser . . . so much for my clean uniform.
Can I go home and start over?

Bring in the cot . . . and apparently the spinal immobilization devices

2010-02-28T19:14:00.006-05:00

During one of those nights at work where you swear the clock has gone backwards at least twice, I get this call from my control room officer. "Uh, can you go back into the infirmary? I'm pretty sure they have a problem back there." Not good.

I find one of our jail medics with a female having a possible stroke. After notifying one of the on-duty supervisors and the control room we prepare for transport to the hospital. Five minutes later the supervisor calls me on the radio. "Can you bring her down to receiving?"
"Uh. No."
"Do you need the fire department to bring you anything?"

"A cot would be nice."

They arrive. With splints and a c-collar.
"Do you guys know something we don't know?"
"What do you mean?"
"This is a possible stroke."
"Yeah, your Sgt. definitely just told us we needed to bring the c-collar."
"No. The cot. Cot, c-collar, similar but no."

Sometimes I think I'm talking to myself at work . . .

Wait . . . what?

2010-02-15T23:23:00.002-05:00

For amusement purposes . . .

This guy comes to visitation at the main complex of our SO. We happen to be large enough to have multiple facilities. His girlfriend is at one of the other complexes; he knows this and tells me this. I inform him that he needs to go to the complex she is housed in to visit her. The response?
"Are you serious?" Funny, that's what I said to my partner once he left.

While seated, in uniform, behind the bullet-proof window with "VISITATION" stenciled above it I get the following. Man walks in, takes a number for the "serving now" line. Makes it up to me and goes "I'm here to see my girlfriend but there's no deputy back in the visitation room and the door is locked."
"Sir visitation is a secure area, I have to hit a button to let you in."
"Yes I know but there's no deputy out here to tell who I'm here to see."
"Sir that's me."
"Really?"
REALLY.

From a phone call we took in intake and receiving:
"I'm worried about my son, he said he is in with some tough guys."
"Ma'am this a jail."
"He's not a violent offender!"
"He's at a minimum security work program."
"Well bad things can happen in there!"
"Tell him these are the best accommodations our county can offer. The only upgrade I have available is disciplinary isolation."

I hate everybody . . . and other myths

2010-02-04T21:29:00.002-05:00

I don't know how many of you in law enforcement get this from your significant other/family members regularly, but I get it every once in a while. Every once in a while they drive it into the ground.
"You hate everybody." "You're grouchy all the time." "You won't trust anybody." "You're like talking to a rock when you come home from work." "Somebody from WORK is on the phone for you." "Why do you have to take a call from a supervisor if you're not at work?"
You get the point.
Here's the thing, I don't trust many people. Unfortunately, sometimes that includes people I work with. I am not about to tell people at the grocery store, your barber or the guy installing my cable that I am a cop. Sorry. Not happening. Don't get crappy when you get "the look" shot at you for telling random people "Oh do you know what she does for a living? You'll never guess . . "
I work 12 hour midnight shifts. I'm not grouchy, I'm tired. Okay, who are we kidding here? I am grouchy. That's because I want to go to sleep in the morning. I also want to sleep without getting awoken to "Hey, do you know where the can opener is?"
If I told you what actually happened at work, you would panic. I'm just saying. Some of the guys I work with are spazzed out after things we do.
Public safety unfortunately is not a 9-5 job where you leave everything at work. There are times when work calls and you have to answer. Somebody got seriously injured at work. There is a shift shortage and you are getting called in early. Your vacation is approved/denied based on coverage. Surprise! You have/do not have court today.
So here's the thing; I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, I'll try harder. How are you supposed to explain to your friends and family how to handle you when you spend most of your time trying to figure out how to handle everything else?

What you do matters . . .

2010-01-22T05:22:00.003-05:00

Recently, I was in one of those annoying funks where you're fairly certain your supervisor wouldn't pay attention to you if you were on fire. Then amazing things happed. I wrote a memo. Someone read that memo, and, wait for it . . .

DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I think I'll be in a good mood for the rest of winter now. Sometimes that's all you need, a shot in the arm of "What you do matters."

So for all of you out there with the winter blahs, what you do matters. Thank you.

For every CO that's ever been spit on, for every cop that's ever done their best and still got complained on, for every 2am call EMS has responded to for an earache and for every "structure fire" that's a tiki torch; thank you for what you do.

BROTHERHOOD

Amazing . . .

2010-01-19T22:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like this is my life. The only warning I give is there is some bad language, and remember this is a joke. I don't want any nurses coming after me with pitchforks and torches.

Firefighter vs. Nursing Home
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6yRpnkPlzg

Good times . . .

2010-01-19T03:12:00.003-05:00

So here's just a few of the better moments of the last few days at work . . .

I logged a guy's property who had these little white business sized cards that said: "You park like an asshole." Hilarious. Not that I would use them personally, but hilarious.

A sign over our visitation window says "You must possess and present a valid US government issued ID to visit." A guy hands me an ID made in the back of some gas station probably, that says the following across the front. "Not a valid government ID." Then he's shocked we don't accept it. Awesome.

One of our deputies was waiting on a vehicle registration to be faxed to him from dispatch for a report. An hour later he calls them on the phone and goes "Could I have that before the vehicle registration expires?"

Why did you have to go and do a thing like that . . .

2010-01-10T06:03:00.003-05:00

It has been awhile. I did not think the following was appropriate to post during the holidays. I think it needs to be said though.

Every time someone brings up that our profession has one of the highest rates of suicide, you might think: "Not our department. Not my friends. Not here. Maybe some department 500 miles away of people I don't know."

And then one day someone wakes you out of a dead sleep and sends you flying headfirst out of your little land of denial. It is your department. He was your friend. You do know him, his family and all of the co workers. You spend about two weeks wrestling the question that won't leave: "What the hell did I miss?" Along with a few others. "Why didn't he talk to me?" "What could I have done?"

Eventually you start to understand that it was their choice that they made. Maybe you'll always have those questions unanswered.

If you find yourself in that deep dark place that you cannot escape . . . please, I beg you, come talk to me. Please. Please talk to me.

BROTHERHOOD

Finding Jesus in a bottle of pills and other not so good endeavors . . .

2009-11-23T04:27:00.002-05:00

So it's been awhile since I've got to share something worthwhile on here (not that I'm entirely sure any of the following qualifies). Call it writer's block. Or, as my partner in psych pointed out this evening, call it "we're pretty sure not too much shocks us any more." That being said . . .

A girl takes an indeterminate amount of unknown pills. After her ER visit, and various other medical adventures, she arrives at our jail. She proceeds to tell us she has found Jesus. Wonderful. In the pills. Ok, maybe not so good. Apparently we are all going to hell, (according to my partner, not news). We are evil, Godless souls ect. Then she pulls down her pants and presses parts of her anatomy I don't need to see against the cell window. Nice. I don't think Jesus was impressed . . .

Don't decide to eat something that's inedible as a quick way to the hospital. Especially if that something is a bolt, or a pencil, or anything else your mom taught you not to put in your mouth. It will not end well. Trust us.

I had to write a medical report that made my Sgt. call me and say, "I never want to read another report containing 'foul smelling discharge from the vaginal area' again." Sorry, the medical department told me we had to document it. Next time I guess I'll have to put a disclaimer on my reports.

Do not think that the best course of action after rolling a tanker truck (commercial not firefighting) is to get out and walk around. Please, please let us backboard you. You're making me nervous . . .

Please do not eat razor blades . . . see the earlier disclaimer about bad ends.

Never underestimate how short of a fuse your partner may have after his/her beloved NFL team of choice gets beaten.

Say, "Hey, I love you . . ."

2009-10-26T13:39:00.004-04:00

I spent my shift the other night working the control room catching up with two good friends also working the main control room. Best shift in a long time. Never underestimate the power a kind word or a smile will have on someone. Always stop and chat with a friend if you have time. Call somebody having a slow night when that hour between 23o and 330 seems like it will never end.

Say "Hey, I love you . . ."

Pay it forward friends. I had the privilege of being at the right place at the right time a few days ago in our courthouse for a medical emergency. He's actually someone I know quite well. You can make a difference. Don't let the politics and the cynicism get you down . . . it's hard I know. But trust me, it's worth it.

We're a law enforcement agency, and you have warrants . . .

2009-10-22T10:57:00.002-04:00

Some things never cease to amaze me. Case in point: You have warrants. You know about these warrants. Other people know about these warrants. Yet you still come to visitation day at the sheriff's office. You still present your state issued ID to the COP who is running visitation. How are you shocked when you get arrested for outstanding warrants?

"Like, I so did not think you could arrest me while I'm visiting my boyfriend."
"You do realize that this jail is part of the sheriff's office."
"Yeah, but that's like so not cool. Can't you like arrest me when I'm done out in the parking lot?"

I'm a cop, you have warrants, this is a sheriff's office. What did you think we would do?

This might be why the public thinks we're idiots . . .

2009-10-16T09:28:00.003-04:00

I was at a training recently with some coworkers and various other people from various other departments. Said training was over search and seizure. The instructor asks this guy from my department what he knows about the 4th Amendment. The answer? Wait for it . . .

"Uh, nothing man. I mean the academy was like so five or six years ago."

Holy hell. Really? My Lt.'s eight year old son knows more about the Constitution than you do . . . It's not so much remembering the academy as having a basic working knowledge of US government and civics in general. I was trying to melt into the floor behind him before somebody noticed we had the same uniform on. No wonder they put this guy in what amounts to a clerical position at our department.

Best quote from the instructor: "I'd send you home, but you don't have a home."
Officer: "Huh? Yeah I do."
Instructor: "Nope. We took it since you have no idea what your rights are."

Geodon speed loaders and other things I'd like to see . . .

2009-10-10T01:26:00.002-04:00

These are a collection of "I wish they really made that" products from my various coworkers.

From the SWAT doc of a major city: "Geodon speed loaders. Walk in the room, shoot one in the patient and two in the family. Everybody is suddenly happy. Thunk, thunk. Maybe in blow gun form . . ."

From our jail doc: "Prozac in aerosol form. Definitely."

From my shift commander: "Disposable uniforms. This is my second pair of pants today."

From my probie: "Scented N95 respirators, I hate the plastic smell."

From my fire Lt: "Biohazard bags large enough to wrap a patient in, or plastic wrap with that printed on it. Sometimes the hospital deserves to know what they're getting into."

From my intake partner: "Febreeze for humans . . ."

Ideas? Feel free to share . . .

What's stuck in a tree?

2009-10-05T15:16:00.002-04:00

When my buddy told this story at first I thought he said they got dispatched to a cat in a tree. What he really said was they got dispatched to a kid in a tree. Slightly confused I asked if the child had climbed up and then been scared to climb back down. Oh, no. He was stuck, in the fork. Apparently this child was what my grandmother would have referred to as "husky."
The firefighters couldn't lift him out of the tree. After using the ever popular chainsaw to remove the offending piece of tree, they couldn't lift him on the ladder. Enter the webbing harness and carabiner. Attach aforementioned harness via carabiner to ladder and lift. Presto, freed child.
Bless his heart at least he was playing outside for the day.

At what point did you deem that appropriate?

2009-09-24T18:59:00.005-04:00

So last week I was at a three day training on drug laws. It was not required to wear your uniform during this. My department has a strict policy about what you wear to training. Business casual. Period. Don't ever let a supervisor hear about you or see you in a t shirt, jeans, tennis shoes or other inappropriate items.
Enter the other people. First of all as a female in law enforcement I am hyper aware of how I dress. I don't want people to think I'm a skank, a badge bunny or an idiot. Apparently the other six women didn't get that message. I had to tell one well endowed girl to pull up her shirt, because parts of her anatomy were showing that were illegal. Two others had pants so tight I thought they'd split when they sat down. At least one had inappropriate undergarments that showed through. I did not see one female with a shirt that my supervisor would have approved. Mine would have told me to go home and change, then come back to training and sign my disciplinary action.
Various officers had jeans, t shirts with sports teams and other random things on.
People please. Khakis, polo shirt. Write it down.

Wherever you go . . . there you are

2009-09-15T20:47:00.003-04:00

After a union meeting several days ago, that ended poorly to say the least, my coworkers and I came to a conclusion. We can sit around and say "they (the administration) are going to do what they want" and "why bother it won't do any good." OR we could be proactive. I don't really give two hoots if the union shreds my ideas in front of God and everyone. I don't care if the administration laughs in my face. The SO, like any political agency, has its pitfalls. There are days I feel like I'm beating my head into a brick wall every time I try to prove a point. But you know what? I love my job, (for the most part). I dearly love the people I work with, and even some of the people I work for. I trust the Sheriff.
So here's the deal. I have had ideas shot down more times than I can count. But the last time I checked, I didn't get anywhere sitting on my ass. You never know unless you ask, sometimes you might be surprised. And if you never try to change your surroundings, you'll be looking at the same thing forever. So get up off your butt and do something. I don't just mean if your union is in negotiations. I mean make your job a better place. Make a difference in someone's day.

BROTHERHOOD

Miranda angina and other things not to teach your kids . . .

2009-09-14T15:11:00.003-04:00

Apparently there is a small percentage of my coworkers that has the same mentality of a five year old. And by small percentage, I mean roughly half.
Much like small children you should not say things around them that you don't want repeated. An all time favorite squad "diagnosis" after calls is "Miranda angina." For the non-public safety people out there let me translate; allergic to arrest. The chest pain has an onset directly after arrest or shortly after arrival at a correctional facility. I wish I could take credit for how amusing that phrase is. I cannot. It belongs to "Words that should be in the EMS dictionary but aren't." A favorite column of mine in JEMS that disappeared.
Enter me sharing this with a few co-workers at the jail. Then imagine my surprise and sudden panic attack upon seeing it written IN A REPORT. What the hell?! I immediately called the misguided officer who typed said report, and told him that was probably not appropriate in a legal document. His argument? "It's in quotes, so it's funny."
Thank God he did not quote me.

It's a joke people. Enjoy it. Try not to get us all fired in the process though . . . There's some things you should just keep to yourself.

I remember . . . Never Forget

2009-09-11T05:48:00.003-04:00

This morning as I enjoy the quiet darkness of my neighborhood, I only ask one thing of you today. To say a prayer for those who we lost, those who survive and those who are serving.

The FDNY's 343, the men and women of the NYPD and PAPD. The countless emergency service workers who served at Ground Zero, the Pentagon and in that Pennsylvania field.

Your men and women of the armed services who fight for our country. Those who have come home, those who will never come home. KIA, MIA, POW, you are not forgotten.

For those who wear memorial bracelets, and permanent scars on their hearts.

"Let's raise a glass to those that have passed / Raise them for the finest that we knew / Going Home's been played / And the pipes all put away / Let's hear it for the boys and girls in blue"
- The Moonshiners, Boys and Girls in Blue

I love bacon . . . and could you pass the butter?

2009-09-09T05:46:00.005-04:00

Recently, and by this I mean approximately three hours ago; my best friend in intake and I came to a realization. We love bacon. Eggs, grits, coffee with or without cream and sugar, pancakes and butter. Apparently we have an addiction to breakfast food. I mentioned this before in my post titled Bacon and Doughnuts. Now, however I have recruited more people to my side of thinking. Pass the sugar, its been a crappy night. Debriefing sessions in the form of breakfast are now held regularly for mental health.
Luckily for my cardiac health, I have still been working out with my team from the academy. Which is a good thing . . . Alright boys, scoot over; the home fries won't fit on my side of the table. Good eating to y'all, and have a good morning.

Thanks Lt . . .

2009-09-08T02:31:00.002-04:00

Occasionally in passing in a post I will mention my all time favorite fire Lt. to work for. This is the man that got me started at my first "real" fire dept., who helped get me my job at the SO and who once saved my life (literally). Labor Day weekend he invited me and some of the boys from the FD to come have a beer at his new house. As we sat on the back deck watching the kids play, there were some reflections.
I have been at this FD for five years, I was getting horribly burnt out for a variety of reasons. My Lt. had the wisdom to temporarily give me up to another unit day with brand new firefighters. Not just any probies, but a girl willing to learn and a guy that catches on quicker than most. I will never know how my Lt. knew that the way to combat my disgruntled and tired self was to give me hope. Hope in the form of probies. Who knew teaching them to cook their first firehouse meal or helping them with the EVOC could change my feelings. I miss working my Lt's unit, but I know why he did what he did.
Two years ago, my Lt. saved my life. I would not have survived without his intervention. You can never repay that debt.
This Labor Day as we sat on his deck and traded stories I thought of all the people I have ever worked for. He is by far one of the best supervisors and leaders I have ever served under.

Thanks for everything Lt.

No you do not have swine flu . . .

2009-09-02T04:38:00.002-04:00

As I've mentioned in some of my earlier posts, my department happens to serve the campus of a fairly large university. Apparently, since there have been multiple confirmed cases of swine flu; everybody and their brother thinks they have it.
Case in point: Our squad is dispatched to "female ill" in one of the academic buildings. Of course we are eating lunch, so the engine proceeds to laugh their asses off at us as we leave. Upon arrival we find a girl in the fetal position in the hallway. Assessment reveals vertigo, weakness, nausea, abdominal cramps and the last oral intake was yesterday. Hmmm. My assessment sixth sense along with my law enforcement bullshit meter kicks in. "When was your last menstrual period?" "Uh, right now. Started this morning." Hmmm. "You don't think this is related?" "No, I'm pretty sure I have swine flu."
Are you f'ing serious? (No, I did not say that out loud.)
No fever, chills, sweats or anything else. ER result? Menstrual cramps . . . How 'bout that shit?

Shift Log . . .

2009-08-24T20:58:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the delay in posts . . . took the parents on a trip and took my first vacation from the SO in two years. Still on vacation from another week or so, spending most of it picking up extra shifts at the FD. We have a new probie, and she is fantastic. I wish I had caught on so quick . . .
So today's shift has gone two different ways today, depending on who you ask. I had a great time with the probie and my buddy back from when we both worked for rural volunteer departments. The shift commander however, is throwing a fit. We hadn't even hit the twelve hour mark yet and we had already knocked out seven calls. Car v. pedestrian, several fire alarms and two calls to two different trailers . . . for the the same patient. Mix all of this with five or six commercial fire inspections and lunch and we have stayed busy most of the day.

Speaking of fire inspections, here's a professional tip to all of you. The place to store paint is NOT on the shelf beside the fireplace. Yes, we found this. Also the thing NOT to say to the fire inspector is that; "That is the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard of. Why do my fire extinguishers have to be in plain sight in my business. They're ugly. Besides it's not like it's going to catch on fire." WTF?

Protip to all of you college kids on bicycles out there, courtesy of our truck crew and your local police. You have to follow all the same traffic laws as a car in this state. Yes, that means YOU. And if you don't, don't cry when my friends ticket you or cite you in an accident. Also, do not tell the cop, "How the hell am I supposed to know that? It's not like anybody tells you!" Just a suggestion, you might want to go look at that driver's ed book you largely ignored . . . just saying.

High crimes and misdemeanors . . .

2009-08-12T10:58:00.004-04:00

Protip to all of you aspiring inmates out there; if you are going to smoke pot . . . do NOT do it in my jail. Yes. This happened. The ironic thing is said inmates waited until five minutes before mandatory standing headcount to do this. WTF? Like I'm NOT going to notice the strong odor of MARIJUANA in my housing unit. Really? I mean, really?
And besides, do you really want to smoke something that some other guy smuggled in the jail in his butt? I'm just saying . . .

PS: We're the Sheriff's Department, there's always a K9 on duty. You can hide it from me . . . not so much from him.

GRADUATION!!!

2009-07-25T22:26:00.002-04:00

Yes! It is FINALLY done. No more academy!! Fantastic . . . let the celebration begin. Followed by the sleeping . . .

Here in the real world they're shutting my county down . . .

2009-07-22T23:34:00.003-04:00

Two days before my graduation to be a certified peace officer, comes the call we at my department have been dreading. "They started the layoffs today . . . here's who's gone already." While I have enough personnel hired after me that it will have to get ugly to get to me, it doesn't matter. These are my brothers and sisters, men and women with families and houses to pay for. I met my friend from another division outside in the parking lot tonight, turned on John Rich's song "They're Shutting Detrioit Down" . . . and cried. He has two kids, a wife, a house and now no job. Every division of the SO was affected.
What does it say about the state of the country you live in when you can't afford to keep the people who keep you safe?
May the Lord bless and protect those who now don't know what the future holds. Keep my brothers and sisters still working safe from harm now that their backup isn't there anymore.

"May your hope give us hope, may your love give us love . . ."

Jailhouse doctors, rubber cement and you . . .

2009-07-17T23:25:00.002-04:00

The final countdown!!! Graduation is next week!! Yay! Then I am officially a real cop . . . who works in a jail. Yeah, I know. Don't rub it in.

So this guy comes in the jail and starts telling me how he diagnosed all his health problems on his own. He obviously did good research, as proven by the following statement: "I have grandma seizures." Right. I'll let her know.

I realize I look young for my age but it's been awhile since I've been carded for alcohol. Consequently I don't always carry my ID in the grocery store. Apparently, this is a mistake. At a national chain who might rhyme with "wall dart," I attempted to buy *gasp* rubber cement. I am in my mid-twenties, in uniform. The clerk's response? "Uh, you're right on the border of looking eighteen. I need to see some ID."
Are you freakin' serious? Really? For rubber cement? While I'm in uniform? Whatever . . .

How was your day?

2009-07-07T08:23:00.001-04:00

I definitely have been awake since noon yesterday. I came home after five hours of academy and eight hours of work. Intake and release was slammed. I drank a beer, ate some ice cream with hot fudge sauce and I'm going to sleep.

They wonder why people in public safety have issues . . .

Running down a dream . . .

2009-07-06T09:32:00.002-04:00

I have now successfully passed all parts of my lovely physical agility test. Woo Hoo!!! Now less than a month away from graduation. Posts are scarce I realize, but the academy is priority at the moment.
Now aside from the final academic exam and swearing in ceremony, I only have a few more hurdles. One last firearms qualification on my service weapon, off duty gun and possible backup weapon. Rifles and shotguns come later . . . Some random administrative paperwork, and getting all the rest of my equipment issued. Then it's just time to sit and wait in the jail until the next round of promotional interviews from applications. Either that or go find another department. I think I'll stick with the SO for right now, even though it could be a year until the next application period.

Like sarge always tells me; "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Uh, sarge? Maybe we shouldn't have said that out loud . . ."

"What are the odds?"

Fun times . . .

2009-06-24T18:05:00.002-04:00

I realize this month has been short on posts, but the academy is winding down. T minus five weeks or so!
We just watched a fantastic training film on traffic by the California Highway Patrol. It should have been titled "Erik Estrada: the Later Years." Awesome.
Working some special details this weekend and running a physical agility test. Also fun times.
Back to the excititng world of DUI law . . .

So we've got that going for us . . . which is nice

2009-06-23T17:10:00.004-04:00

So after I posted about wanting a quiet night at the firehouse, God laughed at me.

At two in the morning, the power went out to half the city. Followed by the inevitable alarm drops. Followed by a man calling 911 because his air conditioning won't work; because we have no power. Seriously. I can't make this stuff up.

My friend in the comm center texted me with this. "I cannot believe how many f'ing people call the police when the power goes out. Like I freakin know when it will come back on."

Literally all the the comm center did was tell people to call the electric company. Who then argued with the comm center about how they'd been on hold with said electric company for twenty minutes. As if the police department knows who does and who does not have power.

And then we had the "male hallucinating with violent behavior" call. Direct quote from him: "I have done Ecstasy before, and this does not feel like Ecstasy." As if Ecstasy is regulated by the FDA . . .

I love my job.

News from the front lines . . .

2009-06-19T19:07:00.003-04:00

So after a vacation at the lake and week or so of pursuit driving, parking and general driving a Crown Vic around I am back. I am happy to report I did not total anything, have it catch on fire or hit anyone. Pretty exciting for me, and probably my instructor.
Quote from my passenger during pursuit turns: "Look out cones!!! Their plastic life just flashed before their eyes."
Almost done with this damn academy. Thank God. I just sat through our mandatory "first aid" section. I felt a little over qualified, and pretty bored.
One of the better moments of first aid was definitely the childbirth video. The guys that got up and left the room will never live that down. . .
Living the dream at the FD tonight, hopefully we're quiet. But you all know better.

Things they never told you about . . .

2009-06-07T21:26:00.004-04:00

Call me crazy but I definitely don't remember this scenario being covered in my EMT class. We get dispatched to our favorite state park, because the squad covering it is busy. . .again. By now even the new guy is starting to realize that calls to this place come with their own person brand of craziness.
We arrive for what was dispatched as female in seizures. What we find is a female diabetic who reads 14 on our glucometer. The better part? You know those fifth wheel travel trailers with the bed that is over the hitch? The ones you have to climb up to that have about 3 feet of head room? Yeah. That's where she is. Not to mention it looks like they've packed enough stuff for two months in the wilderness in this camper. I actually think it would have been easier to unpack the trailer and unload her than take her out on the backboard.
We succeeded . . . now we're all headed to the chiropractor.

That sounds familiar . . .

2009-06-04T18:07:00.003-04:00

After joining the website "Cops Who Blog," I found this as posted by ENFORCER.

Civilian Friends: Know a few things about you
Police Friends: Could write a book with direct quotes from you

Two of the guys I work with read that and went, "Wait, that's like your "Quotes" section of your blog."

"Yeah, kind of. In fact I could probably quote some things you'd rather not recall."

"Huh. Yeah, hold off on that book . . ."

Really? . . . I mean, really?

2009-05-30T09:33:00.003-04:00

So as a nice addition to this post we have the following. A friend of mine parked his cruiser sideways across a two lane road at an injury accident. We landed a medical helicopter in the field beyond. Someone drives around three other cruisers, our fire department staff car, a rescue truck and a tow truck to ask him a question. The question?

"Can you move your cruiser so I can get through?"

As my Sgt. would say, "What are the odds?"

It's the little things . . .

2009-05-30T04:30:00.002-04:00

Hot fudge sundaes.
My Van Halen CD.
Family Guy.
Laughing until you cry.
The supervisor you can tell anything to.
Good friends.
Vacationing with the family.
Working at a kids' summer camp.
The "atta-girl" you never expected.
Naps.
Making somebody laugh.

That's not a structure fire . . .

2009-05-30T03:14:00.002-04:00

We get dispatched for "fire moving up the side of a building" at a rather large condo complex. Upon arrival we discover no moving fire . . . except two tiki torches out on a patio. Nice.

If I thought you needed to know, I would tell you . . .

2009-05-28T01:43:00.003-04:00

There are times in life when you just wish people would mind their own business . . .
Case in point: Last week one of our deputies passed away from an acute illness. I took a day off from the academy to attend the graveside ceremony with the honor guard, pipe and drum corps ect. My instructors at the academy did not feel the need to share the reason for my absence with people from other agencies. As soon as I returned to class I got this: "So nice of you to show up. I guess you think you can just take a day off whenever you want to." There were several variations of this throughout the day.
People here's the thing; it's awkward to have to explain to you why I was absent. Then you're just going to be embarrassed and I'm not really going to want to explain it for the thirtieth time. If you want to ask if everything is ok since I missed a day of class, that is acceptable. Smartass comments are not.

Like your mother told you. Mind your own beeswax.

True friends . . .

2009-05-26T15:46:00.001-04:00

How to know someone in public safety is really friends with you:
"I would give you CPR without a mask."

Stop talking . . . no, really.

2009-05-25T15:29:00.003-04:00

So some friends and I went to dinner last night to enjoy ourselves before everybody's parade/honor guard details today. I guess we should announce our presence by all being armed, and wearing raid jackets with vests that say "Sheriff" in foot tall letters. That being said, let me introduce you to our waitress.
First of all if you are going to sit at our table with us to take our order, it better be standard in you restaraunt. If you flop down in a chair and start telling us how your life sucks that you had to work a holiday weekend, and your boss is "a fucking idiot;" we might be a little taken aback. After that shock, the night surprisingly got weirder.
Not only did we get some of the worst service ever experienced at an upscale restaurant, we had to call the cops. She would repeatedly disappear leaving various members of our dining party to go to the bar and ask for their dinner/drinks/napkins/ect. When she did come back she felt the need to flop down in a chair and share MORE of her life story.
The made for TV movie version is this: boyfriend with warrants and no license takes her car from restaurant with her permission. Boyfriend is gone 3+ hours. Waitress at one point answers her phone while sitting at our table and proceeds to curse at him loudly. She then informs us he is out securing a drug deal in her vehicle.
We walk outside to leave only to see our waitress in a physical altercation with . . . you guessed it, the boyfriend. While like six of us break up said fight someone else is calling 911. They were gone before the city cops got there. Not before we gave them the plate number and her name . . .

Needless to say, we'll be complaining to the owner and telling him maybe he should get rid of her. She's bad for business. Oh, and he should probably tell her to STFU about illegal activity to customers; especially when they're cops.

Because it's all about you. . .

2009-05-23T10:20:00.003-04:00

So on on our last call of the morning, right before shift change, this happens. We pull into one of those poorly marked apartment complexes I so dearly love. The parking set up in this particular one was made for a time before SUVs. The squad barely fits down a narrow aisle, and ends up parking awkwardly at the end of it. While locating the apartment we are searching for, we are accosted by a college age male.
"Just how long do you think you're going to be?"
"Hmm. Depends on why they called 911. We're shooting for less than 10 minutes, more than 2."
"DO YOU THINK YOU COULD MOVE THAT THING?!?!"
"To what are you referring? The ambulance? No. Not so much."
"It's in my way!"
"Oh. I apologize. We'll tell that to whoever called 911 and may be DYING."
"I have to get to work on time!"
"We have to get to the hospital on time. It's an emergency. That's why we have lights."
"You don't understand!!"
"You're right I don't understand why you think you're more important. Get the hell out of my way before we call the cops."
"I'll just move it myself!!"
"And then you'll get arrested."

He did NOT move it. I was almost sorry he didn't get stuck behind us for something lengthy like CPR or childbirth.

The Great Outdoors . . .and you

2009-05-23T05:55:00.002-04:00

So perhaps if one was to go camping in say, the woods, at a state park. And one was to wake up with say, itching of the arms and legs. Does this warrant a call to 911?
Yes, apparently. (Did I mention you're camping?)
I'm not a doctor people, but our crew and two rangers took a straw poll. Answer?
Poison ivy. As evidenced by tiny blisters/redness.Thanks for that 300 am squad call. Especially since it's mutual aid for us because the park is packed and squads are tied up on other things. (Alcohol related, I know all of you are shocked.)
Even better? The participants of this fine 911 call already had experienced prior contact with the rangers. Why? Because they were irate no pizza business would deliver back into the primitive camping section of the park . . .

So you've never been to jail . . .

2009-05-22T08:19:00.004-04:00

I never thought I would say this, and I realize that it goes against all that is cop. However. I would much rather deal with someone who has been arrested before, than someone who has not. If they're frequent fliers they ask *less* stupid questions. Last night's winner? During lockdown time I got this:

"Uh, ma'am? How do I open my door back up from inside once it closes?"
"You can't."
"Are you bein' serious?"
"*Sigh*"

Oh American justice. . .

Brothers that always have your back . . .

2009-05-19T08:40:00.002-04:00

For those of you who are noticing a reoccurring theme in my posts about loyalty/brotherhood; there is a reason or two behind that.
Aside from the unwavering belief that someone should always answer your call for help, there are a few other motives for my life in public safety. One of them is family. I joined the fire service because I wanted a family. Same with the sheriff's department. I love my families. I cry when they cry, celebrate when they celebrate. I hurt when people let the family down.
My fire lieutenant saved my life once. Literally. That is a debt I can never repay. I can only hope to have a positive impact on other lives.

Yesterday I got the best news in a long time. My partner, the brother I never had in real life, is returning. After a brief two year hiatus across the state, he is coming back home. There are not enough words or space here to explain what this means to me. Anyone reading this who has ever been fortunate enough to be assigned with a permanent partner that they like, knows. He is literally the male version of me. I can order for him a restaurants. He can tell what I need during a trauma call before I can. We were inseparable. I'm glad he's coming back home, squad has never really been the same without him.

Welcome home. We'll be in service shortly.

BROTHERHOOD.

Ants go marching . . .

2009-05-17T23:57:00.004-04:00

So today after a fabulous dinner with friends, we headed to the city park. One friend is lying in the grass trying to convince our other friend to do the same.
He looks at our friend lying in the grass and goes, "No. I'll get bit by a fire ant."
"You will not."
"Yes I will, I'll lay down directly on top of a fire ant hut. Pueblo. Whatever the hell they live in."

I believe it's actually a Quonset hut . . .

This job is not for the easily offended . . .

2009-05-17T15:39:00.003-04:00

I guess after a while in the jail, you become immune to things that would make most people run screaming into the hills. This includes, but is not limited to, any of the following. Naked people, people masturbating in plain sight, blood, urine, feces, vomit, violent assaults, suicide attempts and genuine craziness.
We have an entire unit dedicated to suicidal/homicidal/mentally disturbed persons. Any officer who has ever worked there can pretty much handle anything. Enter our little federal agent guy who comes in to interview an inmate. He walks past one of the "fishbowl" cells designed for suicidal subjects. Naked lady who is not being compliant with her medication is putting on quite a show for all of us. This includes masturbating, dancing naked and generally inappropriate social behavior.
We're not offended, we understand human behavior can be incredibly odd. Federal agent kid freaks the hell out on me.
"WHAT IS THAT?"
"A female inmate."
"I know. WHAT IS SHE DOING?"
"Do I really have to explain that to you?"
"Can't you DO something?"
"Yeah, put her in the psych unit. Oh, wait. You're here."
"Gross!!"
"What did you expect here? Sunshine and lollipops?"

Kind of makes me want to take him out on the squad . . .

American Stupidity . . .

2009-05-15T23:43:00.001-04:00

Today I was in the drive-thru of a nationwide fast food chain. My total bill was $6.01. I handed the girl at the first window $20.00 and a penny. She looked like a monkey doing a math problem for a good minute or two. Then she looks at me and goes, "Wait, you get like $14.00 back right?"

Are you serious?

Let's just call a spade a spade . . .

2009-05-11T10:21:00.003-04:00

So for those of you who read MotorCop's post about misrepresentation, here's a little spin off piece. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how I know being PC in law enforcement has gone too far . . .

The CAD calls it a "Manufactured housing community" not a "Mobile home park" or *gasp* "Trailer park" on your call location.

"Manufactured housing community?" WTF?!

Rural policing . . .

2009-05-08T23:35:00.003-04:00

A recent phone conversation with a friend of mine who is a cop in a very rural part of America.

"Oh God. Now I remember why I didn't want to be a cop where I grew up. I can hear it now. "Hey, we arrested your sister again." Great, let me guess, another meth lab."

"My cousin crashed and the vehicle inventory search turned up enough crap that she got charged with having a mobile meth lab . . ."

Stress indicators . . .

2009-05-08T23:27:00.003-04:00

Per my friend you can gauge my stress level by the following:

McDonald's hot fudge sundae: Low stress, short on time
Cup of ice cream from any ice cream store: Low stress, took time to seek out comfort food
Ben & Jerry's single serving cup: Mid level stress, may need a hug
Pint of Ben & Jerry's: Upper level stress, give hug, plate of food and possibly liquor
Pint of Hagen Daz: Probably tears involved, give hug only after approval, hide firearms

Just finished a pint of Ben & Jerry's . . . need hug.

The first rule of firearms . . .

2009-05-08T23:25:00.003-04:00

"Listen recruits . . . the first rule of firearms is this: If you accidentally shoot the instructor, YOU FAIL. And for all of you who are laughing back there just remember one thing; we wouldn't have to say that if someone hadn't done it."

Oh God.

"Be careful when you fight the monsters, lest you become one."

2009-05-07T08:49:00.003-04:00

It's probably better for everyone involved that I have been slacking on the posts lately. It would have been less humor and more griping. That being said, I feel I must say this.

There are few things in life that hurt me more than when I find out someone I trust or even try to emulate turns out not to be who they seem. I will not bore you with some of the more slightly traumatizing examples of this. However, lately at work this seems to be the trend. One of my formerly favorite sergeants is going to get fired for his off-duty conduct. My former partner from back when I worked the disciplinary segregation housing unit will probably be fired next. My best friend on the department, who I have known since before I became a deputy had to break the news to me.
Sarge is an idiot. His actions cost him his wife, his almost twenty year career and his friends who no longer trust him.
My former partner almost cost an officer his life tonight.
I think back to the "good times" of working the disciplinary unit with him. We would joke and tell stories, we were hired a day apart as deputies. I think of all the times I trusted him to back me up, and I wonder how I survived. Shortly after I was reassigned to the maximum security housing unit, his assignment was permanently changed. The reason was our captain thought he was a bit too chummy with inmates.
I wish our captain was still here. I want to go tell him he was right.
Tonight my former friend and partner placed an inmate above officers. "Friendship" above security. "Kindness" above the law.
My best friend was on the receiving end of his actions. He is the one who was forced to report the security breach.

I find myself reading my favorite Joseph Wambaugh books over again. For those of you who are familiar, they are cop books written by a cop. Where's the Oracle when you need him?

The inmates are not our friends. They are not officers. Never turn your back on your brothers.

Cake please . . .

2009-05-02T14:06:00.002-04:00

Sorry it's been awhile, writer's block is a bitch. So is work.

Here's some quotes to brighten your day.

"There's balloons . . . there must be cake. Cake brings everyone together, hell it's the only reason I got married. Let's follow the balloons."

"Jesus I would rather be locked up than sit through the rest of this class. I mean I realize I basically am locked up every night at work, but still. A $500, 000 bond would still be better than this."

It's because I'm a girl, isn't it . . .

2009-04-26T00:13:00.002-04:00

The other half stops a car doing 78 in a posted 35. The driver's license has been suspended since the late 90's probably. She has had multiple consecutive suspensions for driving without a license and several DUIs. He also finds she has a warrant. Her response?

"You only pulled me over because I'm a girl."
"Get out of the car. . ."

Bacon and doughnuts . . .

2009-04-23T18:47:00.003-04:00

They say you are what you eat. I think I'm screwed. Enter yesterday's post shift "debriefing session" held at the local courthouse eatery before grand jury.
"Sorry to detour the conversation, but I just wanted to let you all know this is delicious bacon."
"Huh?"
"Seriously. Amazing. Bacon."
"Woman what is wrong with you? You just downed bacon, eggs, toast, oj, biscuits and gravy and some form of grits. Are you pregnant?"
"My duty belt is a 30", do I look pregnant? No, I'm not."
"Your eating a damn doughnut too?!?"
"Yes. You're interrupting my moment of doughnut zen. Zip it."
"You're going to be in a food coma during testimony."

The North American Emergency Response Guidebook . . .and you

2009-04-22T01:47:00.004-04:00

Are you good with primary colors? Can you locate information in a table? Are you smarter than the book itself? Congratulations! You too can operate the Emergency Response Guidebook!!
Ugh. That was definitely eight hours of my life in the academy I want back. NIMS and HAZ-MAT was boring enough the first time around in the fire service. Only four more to go . . .

"Do you know what the best indicator at a Haz-Mat scene is?"
"No."
"A cop. Send him in with a flare. If he drops over or blows up it's not safe."

(Sorry MotorCop and all my brothers and sisters out there . . . but I couldn't resist.)

Bad days . . .

2009-04-21T02:13:00.006-04:00

When I was hired on as a firefighter my chief told me, there will be hard days. When I took the National Registry for EMT class, my instructors told me there will be horrible calls. When I took my oath to serve my county as a deputy, my FTO told me you will see things no one should ever see.
As I sit here at work, I dedicate my shift tonight to a friend of mine. I cannot express in words what needs to be said.

I love you, be safe.

May the Lord bless and protect you all.

Innocent chlidren . . . .

2009-04-18T07:45:00.002-04:00

Everybody has walked in that squad call and said "bullshit" to themselves. Not the kind of bs where the patient is faking it, but the kind where the story has nothing to do with the injuries. Unfortunately, when you get that story and it doesn't meet the injuries on a child, it can indicate abuse.
Case in point. 3am. Dispatched for 60 year old male with wrist injury in one of our sections of town you shut off your lights and siren a block away to avoid getting mobbed or assaulted.
Upon arrival find that dispatch apparently was out to lunch, and that the patient is a 6 year old male with rib injuries. (Slightly different.)
Mom says family dog jumped on child, causing him injury. There are no red marks, no claw marks, no paw prints, toys, food bowls, hair or dog anywhere to be found. After several disturbing minutes onscene, I carry our patient down four flights of stairs outside. Let me just tell you that in light of the rest of this call, that made my week. Nothing will ever make you feel like you've earned your pay and you are useful in life like a child. This sweet, sweet little innocent child climbed up in my arms and stayed there. It was a perfect moment in EMS. For about 30 seconds. Until we ask the kid what the dog's name is, and he doesn't answer. And he really isn't clinging to mom, he's clinging to me. And he's in allot of pain for this kind of injury, and now he says it hurts to breathe.
Turned over care to the ED staff with all the information we had. No dog anywhere in the apartment. Scared child in pain. Apathetic mom who's only concern was we weren't going to bill her and make her pay us money. Luckily the doc we drew is also our SWAT medic. He was not born last night. After the CT scan showed internal injuries he called the police. No dog does that, even if you had one to begin with.

Math . . .

2009-04-17T20:39:00.003-04:00

The quote of the week when it comes to math problems.

"How did you get that answer?"
"Push equal."

Nice.